LIGHTS UP ON:

 

An empty stage, save for an OLD

PROSPECTOR with a long, scraggly beard

and very worn-out clothes. He squats,

panning for gold in an invisible

creek. He mumbles to himself.

 

A SHERIFF and a DEPUTY enter, riding

invisible horses. They wear cowboy

hats, jeans, and t-shirts.

 

SHERIFF

Whoooooah there, whoa there. Ain’t nothin’ to be scared of out here, ol’ Betsy.

He pats his invisible horse on the neck.

DEPUTY

But I’m scared, Sheriff. There’s rattlesnakes and mountain lions and quicksand. And also, you know…

SHERIFF

The crazy old feller that killed all them gunslingers.

DEPUTY

Yeah, that too.

OLD PROSPECTOR

Well hey there, fellers!

The Prospector’s sudden movements spook the horses, which the Sheriff and Deputy struggle to control.

DEPUTY

What in tarnation?

SHERIFF

Whooooa, Betsy. Whoooah.

OLD PROSPECTOR

Well, shoot! Didn’t mean ta scare yer horses. HA HA HA!

SHERIFF

What’re you doin’ out here all alone, old timer?

OLD PROSPECTOR

Sam’s the name, and pannin’ for gold is my game! Heh heh HEH HEH! HA HA HA. But seriously, I’m pannin’ for gold.

DEPUTY

He’s awful strange, ain’t he?

OLD PROSPECTOR

What brings you all the way out here, Sheriff?

SHERIFF

We’re lookin’ for a man who killed ten men outside/of El Paso.

DEPUTY

-of El Paso.

SHERIFF

Don’t… don’t do that.

DEPUTY

Sorry.

OLD PROSPECTOR

Weeeeell, I ain’t seen no killers ’round these parts. And I ain’t seen no dead men, neither. I wish I could help ya’ll out, but I’m just an ooooooold prospector mindin’ my business.

DEPUTY

Sheriff, didn’t the arrest warrant say somethin’ about a long grey beard and ecc- ecc…

SHERIFF

Eccentric behavior. You’re right.

The Prospector pulls a stuffed cat out of his knapsack, and pets it. The Sheriff DRAWS his gun, which is just his index finger and thumb. Everyone sees it as a real gun.

DEPUTY

Yeah, get ‘im Sheriff! Get him! What should I do? Huh? How can I help? Should I get my gun out? I love you.

OLD PROSPECTOR

Whooooooa whoa whoa whoa. Are you crazy?! Put that gun down, put it down! Where did ya learn yer manners?

SHERIFF

Wait, what did you say, Deputy?

DEPUTY

It’s, uh, ya know… nothin’ really…

The Prospector straightens up and adjusts his posture. He now speaks in a posh British accent.

OLD PROSPECTOR

Well, I do believe it’s time we ended this charade before someone actually gets hurt. Wouldn’t you agree?

The Sheriff and Deputy stare at him.

DEPUTY

He’s talkin’ funny, why’s he talkin’ funny?

OLD PROSPECTOR

I must apologize for my rude behavior. I was completely in character and I needed to continue exploring this “old prospector” person to his furthest ethereal boundaries. You understand.

DEPUTY

Not a word.

SHERIFF

Just who in the hell/are you?

DEPUTY

-hell are you?

SHERIFF

You’re gettin’ on my last nerve, deputy.

OLD PROSPECTOR

Oh, I’m being terribly rude. I’m ever so sorry. My name is Lord Willingly, Duke of New, New, NEW York. I’m an actor. From the future. The year 2773, to be precise. I’ve come to your time in order to practice my “old timey prospector” accent. The gentry of the future are just mad about the old west. And they pay very, very well.

STOP

SHERIFF

Look, were you outside El Paso two nights ago, or not?

OLD PROSPECTOR

Yes, certainly. It’s where I killed those ruffians for

meddling in my affairs. They were in the wrong place at the

wrong time, more or less.

DEPUTY

So you did kill those men!

OLD PROSPECTOR

Yes, of course I did! They observed my time machine

materialize right in front of them! I could see in their

empty, primitive eyes that they wanted to take it from me.

So I… eliminated them. I had to.

SHERIFF

You killed ’em because they wanted your… time machine?

DEPUTY

Yeah, Sheriff, a time machine! I read about it one of them

fancy books Mrs. Nettles has behind the bar at the saloon.

Ya see, it’s this machine. And it travels through time.

OLD PROSPECTOR

Yes, quite. I do very much regret all the death, but I

couldn’t allow them to obtain knowledge of the future lest

they use that knowledge to alter the timeline and thus

prevent my world from ever existing. You understand.

DEPUTY

I really don’t.

OLD PROSPECTOR

And unfortunately, now that you know who I am and where I

came from, you must also be… eliminated.

He points the stuffed cat at the

Sheriff.

SHERIFF

Why are you pointin’ a cat at me?

OLD PROSPECTOR

It’s not a cat. It’s a laser pistol disguised as a cat. In

any case, I do despise long goodbyes.

The DEPUTY rushes the prospector, just

as he pulls the trigger. We hear a cat

MEOW followed by a LASER BLAST,

followed by a horse WHINNY.

SHERIFF

Betsy! Betsy, no! To heaven, now. To heaven, Betsy.

OLD PROSPECTOR

Heavens to Betsy! Fascinating. I didn’t travel back in time

exclusively to learn the etymology of uniquely American

phrases, but I’m glad to have been here when it happened!

Right then, where was I? Oh. Yes. Murdering you, of course.

He goes to shoot the cat, but realizes

it’s not in his hands anymore.

DEPUTY

Lookin’ for this?

The deputy is pointing the cat at the

Prospector.

OLD PROSPECTOR

You… you couldn’t even begin to know how to fire that-

She scratches the cat on the head,

intensely. We hear the same MEOW,

followed by a LASER BLAST. The

prospector JUMPS out of the way.

DEPUTY

Now you get yer yella belly outta here before I put a hole

in you the size of a prize pumpkin. Ya hear? Git. GIT!

OLD PROSPECTOR

Well, I’ll just… I’ll just be on my way, then. This has

been a wonderful learning experience. Enjoy the cat gun.

It’s not not going to explode randomly one day.

The Prospector hurries offstage. We

hear a TIME MACHINE noise.

SHERIFF

Deputy. You… you saved my life.

DEPUTY

I know. Now, how’s about we discuss dinner.

SHERIFF

Dinner?

DEPUTY

Yeah, the dinner you’re gonna buy me when we get back to

town. I want steak, I want whiskey, and I want you, baby.

SHERIFF

Dinner with a Deputy. I ain’t ever done/that before.

DEPUTY

-that before.

SHERIFF

STOP IT!

LIGHTS FADE.

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