Directed by Melissa Ortiz

With Anne Kobori & Russell Whismore

LIGHTS UP ON:

 

RAY, standing in a Tuxedo stage left.

A few feet away from him is LIZ, who

wears a very fancy evening gown. She

sports multiple tattoos on her arms.

LIZ holds 3×5 notecards and is

reciting something to herself.

LIZ

-that we won’t just stand idly by. We fill fight! We will

fight until that Orange-Julius Casear is beaten into

submission. We’ll fight his insane cabinet picks and his

draconian executive orders. We’ll fight until the only

thing left of that human-sized asshole-prolapse is a toupee

sitting upon a pile of dust! We’ll FIGHT-

RAY

Excuse me. Hi. Uh, excuse me but, uh, what are you doing?

LIZ

I’m practicing my acceptance speech, what does it look

like? Beat it.

RAY

I just, I don’t think that this is really the appropriate

venue for political dissent. This is a prestigious awards

ceremony with a storied past, not your personal soap-box.

LIZ

Oh really? Really?! So what do I do then? Do I go to the

city council meetings and yell at them for my two minutes

of public comment? Do I stand in the middle of Main Street

with a protest sign, waiting for someone to pay attention?

Do I create a youtube channel and film myself in front of a

sheet talking about the impending destruction of the

American way of life?!

RAY

You’ll probably reach more people that way.

LIZ

Well I ain’t doin’ that, friend. I’m not going to keep my

mouth shut.

I’m a nasty woman, and I’m standing up for my rights, and

the rights of the marginalized and oppressed in this

country.

RAY

I really admire that-

LIZ

-buuuut. . .

RAY

But I don’t think an awards show is really the place to do

it. I mean, there are families out there watching.

LIZ

So? The children need to hear this too! They need to

remember, so this never happens again!

RAY

You called him a human-sized. . .

LIZ

Asshole prolapse?

RAY

Yeah, that. Uh, and. . . it’s just-

LIZ

Just what?

RAY

Look, I know crapping on Trump is popular at awards shows

these days. And I know you want to make your voice heard.

But can’t you just, go out there and accept your award, and

just… smile?

LIZ

EXCUSE ME?! If I have to hear one more goddamned cis

gendered white male tell me to SMILE, I’m gonna light this

place up like the beacon of Amon Dîn.

RAY

No, no! I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that-

wait, wait. Was that a Lord of the Rings reference?

LIZ

Yeah. So what? What, women can’t get all emotional when the

beacons of Gondor are lit across the White Mountains,

signaling that Rohan will join the battle at Minas Tirith,

and Aragorn finally sees a flicker of hope for humanity and

all of Middle Earth?

RAY

Uhhh, no. I just didn’t think you looked like someone who-

you know what? Nevermind. I’ll leave you be.

LIZ

Finally. Thank you.

Ray goes back to waiting patiently

with the award envelope in his hand.

LIZ

And I’ll tell you another thing, brothers and sisters, we

won’t let this turd emoji disguised as a human being

trample on our freedom! We won’t let the neo-nazis

influence this man and his policies. We’ll fight for one

America, where we’re free to say what’s in our hearts.

Where we’re free to say that Donald J. Trump raped and

killed twenty women outside Tulsa, Oklahoma in the winter

of 1988. Say it with me! Donald Trump raped and killed-

RAY

WHOA! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can’t

say that! You can’t go out there and say that to the world!

LIZ

Look. Accepting this award is the biggest honor in my

whole life, an I’m not going to shut my mouth about the

spray-tanned prince of lies. Ever since I was a little

girl, I dreamed of walking on that stage and giving my

acceptance speech. The swell of the music, the applause,

the tears. I never wanted to make this acceptance speech

political. But I don’t have a choice. Donal Trump raped

and killed-

RAY

-No he didn’t!

LIZ

Is that a fact?

RAY

I’m pretty sure that’s a fact.

LIZ

Well, I’m offering you “alternative facts”. They’re based

on what I believe. And I believe that Donald Trump raped

and killed 20 women outside Tulsa in 1988.

RAY

Alternative facts? That’s what Trump’s administration is

saying to cover for their blatant lies! If that’s your

defense, well. . . well you’re no better than they are.

LIZ

Gotta fight fire with fire, baby.

RAY

Look, my mother owns this venue, and she’d kill me if she

knew I let you on that stage to say horrible and

unsubstantiated things about the President. She’d fire me.

Please. Can ya tone it down? I need this job.

LIZ

Well. . . that seems fair, I guess. I don’t want you to

lose your job. I know as a white male in America, you’ll

have a pretty hard time finding a new one.

RAY

Thank you. Thank you.

Ray runs up to Liz and hugs her, then

pulls himself back in instant regret.

LIZ

You owe me one.

RAY

I know.

LIZ

No really. You owe me one. So go buy me a bottle of scotch.

Single malt.

RAY

Oh- oh, okay.

VOICE (OFF)

And now ladies and gentlemen, welcome this year’s recipient

of the Twin-Cities Amateur Tattoo Association Award for

Most Improved Local Tattoo Artist, Liz Lafrance!

Liz walks into the wings. Ray stands,

anxious.

LIZ (OFF STAGE)

Alright you motherfuckers! Are you ready to give it to that

pussy-grabbin’, ignorant, racist, homophobic piece of shit

toddler that’s taken over the White House?

RAY

Aw, man. . .

LIGHTS FADE.

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