Directed by Melissa Ortiz
With Anne Kobori & Russell Whismore
LIGHTS UP ON:
RAY, standing in a Tuxedo stage left.
A few feet away from him is LIZ, who
wears a very fancy evening gown. She
sports multiple tattoos on her arms.
LIZ holds 3×5 notecards and is
reciting something to herself.
-that we won’t just stand idly by. We fill fight! We will
fight until that Orange-Julius Casear is beaten into
submission. We’ll fight his insane cabinet picks and his
draconian executive orders. We’ll fight until the only
thing left of that human-sized asshole-prolapse is a toupee
sitting upon a pile of dust! We’ll FIGHT-
Excuse me. Hi. Uh, excuse me but, uh, what are you doing?
I’m practicing my acceptance speech, what does it look
like? Beat it.
I just, I don’t think that this is really the appropriate
venue for political dissent. This is a prestigious awards
ceremony with a storied past, not your personal soap-box.
Oh really? Really?! So what do I do then? Do I go to the
city council meetings and yell at them for my two minutes
of public comment? Do I stand in the middle of Main Street
with a protest sign, waiting for someone to pay attention?
Do I create a youtube channel and film myself in front of a
sheet talking about the impending destruction of the
American way of life?!
You’ll probably reach more people that way.
Well I ain’t doin’ that, friend. I’m not going to keep my
I’m a nasty woman, and I’m standing up for my rights, and
the rights of the marginalized and oppressed in this
I really admire that-
-buuuut. . .
But I don’t think an awards show is really the place to do
it. I mean, there are families out there watching.
So? The children need to hear this too! They need to
remember, so this never happens again!
You called him a human-sized. . .
Yeah, that. Uh, and. . . it’s just-
Look, I know crapping on Trump is popular at awards shows
these days. And I know you want to make your voice heard.
But can’t you just, go out there and accept your award, and
EXCUSE ME?! If I have to hear one more goddamned cis
gendered white male tell me to SMILE, I’m gonna light this
place up like the beacon of Amon Dîn.
No, no! I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that-
wait, wait. Was that a Lord of the Rings reference?
Yeah. So what? What, women can’t get all emotional when the
beacons of Gondor are lit across the White Mountains,
signaling that Rohan will join the battle at Minas Tirith,
and Aragorn finally sees a flicker of hope for humanity and
all of Middle Earth?
Uhhh, no. I just didn’t think you looked like someone who-
you know what? Nevermind. I’ll leave you be.
Finally. Thank you.
Ray goes back to waiting patiently
with the award envelope in his hand.
And I’ll tell you another thing, brothers and sisters, we
won’t let this turd emoji disguised as a human being
trample on our freedom! We won’t let the neo-nazis
influence this man and his policies. We’ll fight for one
America, where we’re free to say what’s in our hearts.
Where we’re free to say that Donald J. Trump raped and
killed twenty women outside Tulsa, Oklahoma in the winter
of 1988. Say it with me! Donald Trump raped and killed-
WHOA! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can’t
say that! You can’t go out there and say that to the world!
Look. Accepting this award is the biggest honor in my
whole life, an I’m not going to shut my mouth about the
spray-tanned prince of lies. Ever since I was a little
girl, I dreamed of walking on that stage and giving my
acceptance speech. The swell of the music, the applause,
the tears. I never wanted to make this acceptance speech
political. But I don’t have a choice. Donal Trump raped
-No he didn’t!
Is that a fact?
I’m pretty sure that’s a fact.
Well, I’m offering you “alternative facts”. They’re based
on what I believe. And I believe that Donald Trump raped
and killed 20 women outside Tulsa in 1988.
Alternative facts? That’s what Trump’s administration is
saying to cover for their blatant lies! If that’s your
defense, well. . . well you’re no better than they are.
Gotta fight fire with fire, baby.
Look, my mother owns this venue, and she’d kill me if she
knew I let you on that stage to say horrible and
unsubstantiated things about the President. She’d fire me.
Please. Can ya tone it down? I need this job.
Well. . . that seems fair, I guess. I don’t want you to
lose your job. I know as a white male in America, you’ll
have a pretty hard time finding a new one.
Thank you. Thank you.
Ray runs up to Liz and hugs her, then
pulls himself back in instant regret.
You owe me one.
No really. You owe me one. So go buy me a bottle of scotch.
Oh- oh, okay.
And now ladies and gentlemen, welcome this year’s recipient
of the Twin-Cities Amateur Tattoo Association Award for
Most Improved Local Tattoo Artist, Liz Lafrance!
Liz walks into the wings. Ray stands,
LIZ (OFF STAGE)
Alright you motherfuckers! Are you ready to give it to that
pussy-grabbin’, ignorant, racist, homophobic piece of shit
toddler that’s taken over the White House?
Aw, man. . .