LIGHTS UP ON:
Two chairs, on opposite sides of the
stage, one with a small table in front
of it with a desk phone. In one chair
sits JENNY, who is swiping left and
right on her phone. She’s definitely
on Tinder.
In the other chair sits ALIX, wearing
a phone headset, and laying out tarot
cards on the table.
JENNY
Lame.
She swipes left.
JENNY
Ughn. Machu Picchu pic.
She swipes left.
JENNY
Nope. Nope. Hell no.
JENNY
(swiping through photos)
Oh, he’s cute. And he has a dog! Aaaand there he is at
burning man. Swipe left!
She swipes through a few more
profiles. Alix touches her headset,
then dials a number on the desk phone.
Jenny’s phone RINGS. She answers. Alix
sounds quite a bit like Miss Cleo.
JENNY
Hello?
ALIX
Voodoo 911, what is the nature of your emergency?
JENNY
What? Who is this?
ALIX
This is Voodoo 911, what is the nature of your emergency?
JENNY
Voodoo 911? Look, I don’t know what you’re selling, but I
ain’t buyin’. I have important shit to do.
Jenny hangs up the phone, and
immediately goes back to swiping.
JENNY
Nope. Nope. Too hairy. No. No. Oh, oh god. That’s… wow…
Alix redials Jenny. Jenny answers.
JENNY
Hello?
ALIX
Hello! This is Voodoo 911. You are about to have an
emergency. Can you tell me the nature of your problem?
JENNY
Well, right now it’s the limited gene pool on Tinder.
ALIX
I can’t argue with that.
JENNY
Can I help you with something?
ALIX
Voodoo 911 is a preemptive emergency service. We consult
the cards, find those who are about to be in distress, and
we call them to warn them of their impending doom, and save
them if we can.
JENNY
Impending doom?
ALIX
That’s right.
JENNY
What do you mean? That I’m in danger?
ALIX
Oh yes. Mortal danger.
JENNY
Yeah, yeah. Ha ha. You’ve had your fun. Listen, I’m going
back to Tinder now. You have a nice night-
ALIX
AN INTRUDER! I sense… yes, I sense an intruder is about
to break into your home.
JENNY
Okay. Buh-bye.
Jenny hangs up, and goes back to
Tindering. A loud CRASH and general
RUSTLING of objects is heard.
JENNY
Holy shit! What was that?
She goes to the side of the stage and
looks down the stairs.
JENNY
Shit, someone’s down there! How did she know? Alright,
think Jenny. Think! What would MacGuyver do?
Jenny looks around for things to make
into other things. Alix calls back.
Jenny answers.
ALIX
Do you believe me now? Hmmmm?
JENNY
Yes, I believe you. You don’t have to be a dick about it.
ALIX
I believe I can help you.
JENNY
Fucking help me, then!
ALIX
We need to make a voodoo doll. With this, you can cripple
your intruder and then you can escape.
JENNY
A voodoo doll? Are you kidding me? With the pins? Is that
shit real?
ALIX
Yes, of course it is. Can you get close enough to pluck a
hair from the intruder’s head?
JENNY
What? No! I’m not going anywhere near that guy!
ALIX
That is quite sexist of you to assume your attacker is a
male.
JENNY
(whispering angrily)
Are you seriously lecturing me on gender issues while
there’s some guy in my house who wants to kill me?! Oh, and
by the way, I went to Harvard Law. Statistically, it’s a
guy.
ALIX
I sense great anger in you.
JENNY
No shit, lady.
Another CRASH is heard.
JENNY
Oh my god, you have to help me!
ALIX
I need you to go to the kitchen, and find a knife and a
slab of beef.
JENNY
All I have is chicken.
ALIX
Fine, fine. Grab the chicken and the knife and-
JENNY
They’re, like, breaded chicken tenders. Does that count?
ALIX
Just grab the chicken! I will put a curse on it, and then
you must stab it with the knife. The intruder will then be-
JENNY
You know what? I think I’m just gonna call the cops.
ALIX
No! You must not! Just grab the chicken and the knife. I
will be back in a moment.
Alix exits. Jenny hangs up, then
immediately dials 911 on her phone.
JENNY
Come on, come on…
After a moment, Alix appears on
Jenny’s side of the stage, brandishing
a knife.
JENNY
Oh my god! Get outta my house! I’m on the phone with the
cops right now, they’re on the way!
ALIX
I sense… I sense your intruder was calling from inside
the house.
JENNY
Wait… that voice, it… that was you! On the phone!
Alix speaks in a regular voice.
ALIX
I know, I know. It was pretty elaborate. But it was a whole
lotta fun fuckin’ with you. My cousin Manny helped with the
crashing noises. Say hi, Manny!
MANNY (OFF STAGE)
Hiiii.
JENNY
You’re not even from the Caribbean!
ALIX
I know, but I just couldn’t resist. You gotta admit, it
added a lot of credibility to my little voodoo game.
JENNY
Uh, no. And that little accent you were doing? That’s
cultural appropriation.
ALIX
Are you really gonna lecture me when I’m about to stab you
in the neck?
JENNY
Stab me? Why don’t you just use a voodoo doll?
ALIX
Man, none of that voodoo shit is real. I just like to get
creative with my murders. Makes everything more fun.
Amiright?
JENNY
Uhhhh, no.
Alix raises the knife, and walks
toward Jenny. The lights BLACK OUT. We
hear Jenny SCREAM.
END OF PLAY
Art and Music in Our Souls 