Sam:(under music)

Hey everybody, welcome to Shotz. Wasn’t that last show great? My name is Sam. My stage name is Samantha Hugandkiss. And this is a fabulous musical about me and my family. I might as well get this out of the way(does a jazz square and a bell kick). Usually drag stories have troublesome parents You know queens disowned, disconnected. My family is sort of…different.

Sam: (continuing) You know, how the stereotypical tv drama father thing is..

Father: Hey get that dress away from the T.V. I’m watching The Kings.

Sam: (to audience) Why don’t’ you ever watch me? I’m your QUEEN!!!!!!

Sam: (continuing) but my dad…

Father: Look, these Lily Lashes would be great for your first bar gig.

Sam: They’re 45 dollars a pair.

Father: But they’ll make your eyes pop.

Sam: It all started when my mom and dad…oh, yeah, my mom She’s totally the most supportive mom in the world. She couldn’t make it tonight because she volunteers at Glide. Great heart. Anybody ever volunteered at Glide?

Father: Great organization.(Holds up a dress) Think it’ll work?

Sam: Give it a try?..(to audience) So my family decides it would be fun to go to the sing along sound of music at the castro. Of course, in costume.

Sam: And this is where the fabulous musical starts.

(Song) My mom pulls out some lederhosen.

Leather’s not a look that I have ever chosen

If we don’t wear costumes we’ll look inferior

I’m three and I say I want to be mother superior.

Mom and Dad are nuns too, but I get pulled onstage

By a woman dressed like Rolf and she says my age

She says “here’s the littlest nun and she’s a boy”

And the whole castro audience screams with joy

It’s the world according to Sam.

“I am what I am” is a theme song for me.

The world according to Sam

I don’t give a damn how you want me to be.

Here’s to Sam,not giving a damn, and to Family.

Dad: That’s pretty corny.

Sam: I was raised by a corny guy.

Dad: I once was as high as an elephants eye.

Sam: Is that a musical theatre reference?

Dad: Rodgers and HAMMERSTEIN. 1943.

Sam: Yes, now you may join the musical.

DadLstarts to sing)

Sam: nananana.. password?

Dad does the jazz square and bell kick

Sam: Sing it.

Dad(song) We’re at aids walk, it’s hotter than hades

I had lots of friends who died in the 80’s

We put on block to be safe from the sun

And a pink girl’s cowsuit

Sam: cuz pink cowsuits are fun

Dad: We hear “what a cute girl”all day long

Sam: Dad you need to get to the end of the song

Dad: A drag queen comes up and says “Welcome to the tribe”

I said :You knew he was a boy.

Sam: She said “I get a vibe”.

Both: It’s the world according to Sam.

“I am what I am” is a theme song for me.

It’s the world according to Sam

I don’t give a damn how you want me to be.

Here’s to Sam,not giving a damn, and to Family.

Both: It’s the world according to Sam.

“I am what I am” is a theme song for me.

It’s the world according to Sam

I don’t give a damn how you want me to be.

Sam: You sure you’re not gay? I get a vibe.

Dad: Here’s to Sam not giving

Both: and to equality. Big finish…Jazz Hands.

Dad: Jazz hands.

Sam: Ok,you tell the story

I have to get ready.

Dad: He’s got a gig. First professional show…and my wife and I are here to see him. And so are you. Be nice.

Or do whatever. Free country. Ok, jazz hands..

I HAD A FRIEND in theatre and he had a reading of his play with the actress Jill Clayburgh. I knew her from movies in the 70’s,but it turns out she was in the original production of Pippin directed by Bob Fosse. My friend said..”Oh Jill,do Jazz hands. “ and she threw out her hands and did jazz hands…And I swear, the whole restaurant lit up. It was truly magical.

I want to see the place light up..I feel like it does when my son,I mean my Queen,I mean my child. Walks in the room.

Sam enters, wig,dress…

Sam: Here we go.

Dad: See the lashes are good.

Sam: Never doubt the word of the worlds most fabulous car mechanic.

Dad: Jazz wrench.(pause)

Sam: Why do you show up to everything.

Dad: What else can I do?

Sam: Not show up.

Dad: That;s achoice?

Sam: For some people.

Dad: Think about how much fun I would miss.

Sam: Thanks for coming

Dad: Wouldn’t miss it.

Sam: Dad…are you gay?

Dad: No.

Sam: All my friends ask me why you are so…

Dad: Fabulous?

Sam: Well yes, but…into it.

Dad: I don’t fear politics….but I am afraid of a world where parents disown their kid. It’s what dads do.

Sam finishes getting ready as dad sings)

One child born

Boy or girl, blow a horn to the world

Every little thing is a miracle, every broken nail causes pain

The picking of the song, the studying of Liza

Sun and rain

Dry a tear, hold a hand, do the things that we can

Every little thing

Is a treasure

Every little hope, every fear

Can I say it was a pleasure

Watching you grow

Year after year after year


Laughing when you laugh and running when you run

Is it silly to tell you

I had fun

Father and Nun (Sam comes in full..lips syncs to dad singing)

One child born

Girl or boy sing your song to the world

Sam:Every little thing is music

Dad:Every footstep, every mile

Both..Don’t forget to notice every little thing

Dad: And smile

And smile

Sam: (to dad) Thank you for being my dad.

Dad: Thank you for being my “son”.

Sam: No, really.

Dad: Kinda corny

Sam: ok, lets end with a tribute to Golden Girls

Dad: And we threw a party and invited everyone you knew

You would see the greatest gift would be from me

Sam: And the card attached would say.

Both: Thank you for being a friend.