CHARACTERS
ELOISE, F, British, 48: The grande dame of werewolves.
HARRY, M, American, 24: The less grand dude of werewolves.
SETTING
A forest on the outskirts of London.
Dusk falls on a small clearing surrounded by trees.
ELOISE enters, stately and graceful.
ELOISE
Come along, young pup.
HARRY enters like an overly excitable golden retriever.
HARRY
I’m 24!
ELOISE
Yes, and now you will be 24 forever. Unfortunately.
HARRY
I thought it was vampires who were immortal.
ELOISE
Vampires aren’t real.
HARRY
But werewolves are! This is gonna be awesome. Hopefully awesome enough to make up for Beth.
ELOISE
Was that the woman with you the other night? The one with a bit of muscle on her, with excellent poise and composure? The one I intended to bite?
HARRY
Yeah! Wait, what do you mean, intended to bite?
ELOISE
I had stalked that woman all over London for hours. She looked like a suitable candidate, an excellent werewolf. The spitting image of Genevieve Huffpuffington. Perfect to help me beat that cursed Huffpuffington at Lycanthropalooza. But because of your alpha male heroics, well, here you are.
HARRY
Of course I jumped in front of her! The year we were together was the best year of my life. But now she’s gone. How could you leave someone just because they turn into a raging monster once a month?
ELOISE
In my experience, such romantic vicissitudes have more to do with the one doing than done to.
HARRY
I know we’re in England so technically you’re speaking English but—
ELOISE sighs.
ELOISE
It’s not you, it’s her. Keep up! Do not try my patience any further.
HARRY hangs his head.
HARRY
Okay. Instead I’ll try to win that Thingapalooza!
ELOISE
Lycanthropalooza. The quarterly display of a seasoned hound’s ability to train a young pup such as yourself into the fearsome beast deserving of this great gift. You shall compete in a diverse array of events including Hunting, Howling—
HARRY begins to howl. ELOISE grimaces.
ELOISE
I can only hope that you improve when lupine. In many respects.
HARRY
What else do I have to do?
ELOISE
Archery.
HARRY, puzzled, gets on all fours and attempts to shoot an invisible bow and arrow using hypothetical paws and then his mouth.
ELOISE
While I appreciate your enthusiasm, young pup, I was joking.
HARRY gets up.
HARRY
Sorry, Eloise. Eloise. El-o-ise. What kind of name is Eloise for a werewolf?
ELOISE
It is a perfectly respectable name! I shudder to think of the reaction at Lycanthropalooza when they announce the entry of a werewolf named…
ELOISE struggles to continue.
HARRY
Harry!
ELOISE puts her face in her hands.
HARRY
I’m gonna be the best werewolf ever.
ELOISE
That remains to be seen. We have not even begun hunting this rabbit.
HARRY
We’re hunting a rabbit?
ELOISE
We are hunting a rabbit.
HARRY
Be vewwy vewwy quiet.
ELOISE
Oh heavens. Have you ever hunted a rabbit?
HARRY
Only with an assault rifle. I got one! I think I got one. It didn’t really look like a rabbit after I unloaded on it. It could have been someone’s leg.
ELOISE
No guns are allowed in Lycanthropalooza. You must display the hunting skills of a true wolf, making use of your strength, your agility, your mental…acuity.
HARRY
My mental what?
ELOISE
How does Genevieve Huffpuffington always find the smart ones before I do? She has probably turned your Beth at this point.
HARRY
Oh no, Beth is in Bath. Beyond that, I don’t know.
ELOISE
About Beth or Bath?
HARRY
Both.
ELOISE
Huffpuffington would never visit Bath. She hates Jane Austen.
HARRY
What do you have against this Hufflepuff lady?
ELOISE
First of all, she always wins Lycanthropalooza. She brings in the finest specimen of werewolf, having chosen her prey well and trained them to be more than the cubs they began as. Second, I was to be one of those specimens until she decided she did not want someone so, as she put it, “long in the tooth.” And finally, I have never forgiven her for making fun of my…gingivitis.
HARRY
You can’t possibly have gingivitis.
ELOISE opens her mouth wide. HARRY goes to inspect and recoils in disgust.
HARRY
WHOA.
ELOISE
Do you know how much bacteria are in human entrails? You have to floss, young pup. You must remove all the gristle. These are things I was never taught. My dentist was not pleased.
HARRY
You have a dentist?
ELOISE
I do now.
HARRY
But like, a werewolf dentist?
ELOISE
Yes, a werewolf dentist.
HARRY
Is—
ELOISE
She is a dentist for werewolves, not a dentist and werewolf. Now listen, moonrise approaches and you will soon experience the Change.
HARRY
Oh my God. I’m…I’m going to turn into a wolf?? In like a few minutes?? How does it feel?
ELOISE
Have you ever had sex, young pup?
HARRY
Shyeah.
ELOISE
Have you ever felt the exquisite ecstasy of simultaneous orgasm, of looking into your partner’s eyes and knowing that at that exact moment, you are both feeling the same pleasure?
HARRY sighs with nostalgia.
HARRY
Yeah.
ELOISE
It feels good, doesn’t it?
HARRY
Oooooh yea—
ELOISE
It’s the exact opposite of that.
HARRY
So it’s going to feel like when Beth dumped me.
ELOISE
But with more muscles tearing than just your heart.
HARRY
I never thought I would find someone like her. She had strength, agility, that mental thing. Couldn’t believe she’d settle for a guy like me. She could always smell when I hadn’t taken a shower in a few days. But she was always nice about it! Except when we fought sometimes. She howled louder than me. And then when we made up, she howled really loud.
ELOISE looks very uncomfortable, yet slightly intrigued and turned on. HARRY falls deeper into nostalgia.
HARRY
Yeah, she was kind of an animal. I saw it in her eyes too, whenever she stared into mine, it was like maybe there was a raging monster there, except only for a second. Mostly she was a cuddlemonster. Plus she’s really good at archery!
ELOISE
There is no archery in…never mind.
HARRY
“Harry,” she’d say when she looked into my eyes, “I love that you’re so goddamn human.” Except I’m not a human anymore. I’m a wolf.
ELOISE
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The rabbit yet lives.
HARRY starts scratching himself.
HARRY
What the hell is going on?
ELOISE
Oh, those are the fleas. They are anticipating the Change.
HARRY
Why aren’t you scratching?
ELOISE
I put on flea repellent.
HARRY
Didn’t you have enough for me??
ELOISE
Yes.
HARRY looks plaintively at ELOISE. She glares back.
HARRY
I’m a little scared, Eloise.
ELOISE
It hurts the most the first time.
HARRY
I don’t mean that. I mean Lycanthro-whatever. You really want me to win. I don’t want to disappoint you. Like Beth.
ELOISE
If you cannot win, that will be my failing as a teacher. And I resolve not to abandon you as my teacher did.
HARRY
So you’ll teach me how to be a good werewolf?
ELOISE
You shall be the very best…possible werewolf…that you are capable of being.
HARRY
And then I can show Beth that it’s not so bad to become a raging monster once a month after all! And also that I’m not “endearingly weak.”
ELOISE
Lycanthropalooza does offer a Pairs track. Genevieve Huffpuffington has never been able to procure a successful Pair before. Do you think you could turn this…Beth?
HARRY
Well, you would have if I didn’t get in the way, but now we’re on the same team.
ELOISE smiles.
ELOISE
We might make a good wolf out of you yet, young pup.
END