CHARACTERS

ELOISE, F, British, 48: The grande dame of werewolves.

HARRY, M, American, 24: The less grand dude of werewolves.

 

SETTING

A forest on the outskirts of London.

Dusk falls on a small clearing surrounded by trees.

ELOISE enters, stately and graceful.

 

ELOISE

Come along, young pup.

HARRY enters like an overly excitable golden retriever.

HARRY

I’m 24!

ELOISE

Yes, and now you will be 24 forever. Unfortunately.

HARRY

I thought it was vampires who were immortal.

ELOISE

Vampires aren’t real.

HARRY

But werewolves are! This is gonna be awesome. Hopefully awesome enough to make up for Beth.

ELOISE

Was that the woman with you the other night? The one with a bit of muscle on her, with excellent poise and composure? The one I intended to bite?

HARRY

Yeah! Wait, what do you mean, intended to bite?

ELOISE

I had stalked that woman all over London for hours. She looked like a suitable candidate, an excellent werewolf. The spitting image of Genevieve Huffpuffington. Perfect to help me beat that cursed Huffpuffington at Lycanthropalooza. But because of your alpha male heroics, well, here you are.

HARRY

Of course I jumped in front of her! The year we were together was the best year of my life. But now she’s gone. How could you leave someone just because they turn into a raging monster once a month?

ELOISE

In my experience, such romantic vicissitudes have more to do with the one doing than done to.

HARRY

I know we’re in England so technically you’re speaking English but—

ELOISE sighs.

ELOISE

It’s not you, it’s her. Keep up! Do not try my patience any further.

HARRY hangs his head.

HARRY

Okay. Instead I’ll try to win that Thingapalooza!

ELOISE

Lycanthropalooza. The quarterly display of a seasoned hound’s ability to train a young pup such as yourself into the fearsome beast deserving of this great gift. You shall compete in a diverse array of events including Hunting, Howling—

HARRY begins to howl. ELOISE grimaces.

ELOISE

I can only hope that you improve when lupine. In many respects.

HARRY

What else do I have to do?

ELOISE

Archery.

HARRY, puzzled, gets on all fours and attempts to shoot an invisible bow and arrow using hypothetical paws and then his mouth.

ELOISE

While I appreciate your enthusiasm, young pup, I was joking.

HARRY gets up.

HARRY

Sorry, Eloise. Eloise. El-o-ise. What kind of name is Eloise for a werewolf?

ELOISE

It is a perfectly respectable name! I shudder to think of the reaction at Lycanthropalooza when they announce the entry of a werewolf named…

ELOISE struggles to continue.

HARRY

Harry!

ELOISE puts her face in her hands.

HARRY

I’m gonna be the best werewolf ever.

ELOISE

That remains to be seen. We have not even begun hunting this rabbit.

HARRY

We’re hunting a rabbit?

ELOISE

We are hunting a rabbit.

HARRY

Be vewwy vewwy quiet.

ELOISE

Oh heavens. Have you ever hunted a rabbit?

HARRY

Only with an assault rifle. I got one! I think I got one. It didn’t really look like a rabbit after I unloaded on it. It could have been someone’s leg.

ELOISE

No guns are allowed in Lycanthropalooza. You must display the hunting skills of a true wolf, making use of your strength, your agility, your mental…acuity.

HARRY

My mental what?

ELOISE

How does Genevieve Huffpuffington always find the smart ones before I do? She has probably turned your Beth at this point.

HARRY

Oh no, Beth is in Bath. Beyond that, I don’t know.

ELOISE

About Beth or Bath?

HARRY

Both.

ELOISE

Huffpuffington would never visit Bath. She hates Jane Austen.

HARRY

What do you have against this Hufflepuff lady?

ELOISE

First of all, she always wins Lycanthropalooza. She brings in the finest specimen of werewolf, having chosen her prey well and trained them to be more than the cubs they began as. Second, I was to be one of those specimens until she decided she did not want someone so, as she put it, “long in the tooth.” And finally, I have never forgiven her for making fun of my…gingivitis.

HARRY

You can’t possibly have gingivitis.

ELOISE opens her mouth wide. HARRY goes to inspect and recoils in disgust.

HARRY

WHOA.

ELOISE

Do you know how much bacteria are in human entrails? You have to floss, young pup. You must remove all the gristle. These are things I was never taught. My dentist was not pleased.

HARRY

You have a dentist?

ELOISE

I do now.

HARRY

But like, a werewolf dentist?

ELOISE

Yes, a werewolf dentist.

HARRY

Is—

ELOISE

She is a dentist for werewolves, not a dentist and werewolf. Now listen, moonrise approaches and you will soon experience the Change.

HARRY

Oh my God. I’m…I’m going to turn into a wolf?? In like a few minutes?? How does it feel?

ELOISE

Have you ever had sex, young pup?

HARRY

Shyeah.

ELOISE

Have you ever felt the exquisite ecstasy of simultaneous orgasm, of looking into your partner’s eyes and knowing that at that exact moment, you are both feeling the same pleasure?

HARRY sighs with nostalgia.

HARRY

Yeah.

ELOISE

It feels good, doesn’t it?

HARRY

Oooooh yea—

ELOISE

It’s the exact opposite of that.

HARRY

So it’s going to feel like when Beth dumped me.

ELOISE

But with more muscles tearing than just your heart.

HARRY

I never thought I would find someone like her. She had strength, agility, that mental thing. Couldn’t believe she’d settle for a guy like me. She could always smell when I hadn’t taken a shower in a few days. But she was always nice about it! Except when we fought sometimes. She howled louder than me. And then when we made up, she howled really loud.

ELOISE looks very uncomfortable, yet slightly intrigued and turned on. HARRY falls deeper into nostalgia.

HARRY

Yeah, she was kind of an animal. I saw it in her eyes too, whenever she stared into mine, it was like maybe there was a raging monster there, except only for a second. Mostly she was a cuddlemonster. Plus she’s really good at archery!

ELOISE

There is no archery in…never mind.

HARRY

“Harry,” she’d say when she looked into my eyes, “I love that you’re so goddamn human.” Except I’m not a human anymore. I’m a wolf.

ELOISE

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. The rabbit yet lives.

HARRY starts scratching himself.

HARRY

What the hell is going on?

ELOISE

Oh, those are the fleas. They are anticipating the Change.

HARRY

Why aren’t you scratching?

ELOISE

I put on flea repellent.

HARRY

Didn’t you have enough for me??

ELOISE

Yes.

HARRY looks plaintively at ELOISE. She glares back.

HARRY

I’m a little scared, Eloise.

ELOISE

It hurts the most the first time.

HARRY

I don’t mean that. I mean Lycanthro-whatever. You really want me to win. I don’t want to disappoint you. Like Beth.

ELOISE

If you cannot win, that will be my failing as a teacher. And I resolve not to abandon you as my teacher did.

HARRY

So you’ll teach me how to be a good werewolf?

ELOISE

You shall be the very best…possible werewolf…that you are capable of being.

HARRY

And then I can show Beth that it’s not so bad to become a raging monster once a month after all! And also that I’m not “endearingly weak.”

ELOISE

Lycanthropalooza does offer a Pairs track. Genevieve Huffpuffington has never been able to procure a successful Pair before. Do you think you could turn this…Beth?

HARRY

Well, you would have if I didn’t get in the way, but now we’re on the same team.

ELOISE smiles.

ELOISE

We might make a good wolf out of you yet, young pup.

END