CAST:
CORNELIUS BURL, ESQ. – Married divorce lawyer going through a divorce
PATRICIA BURL, ESQ – Married divorce lawyer going through a divorce
One table and one chair STAGE RIGHT.
One table and one chair STAGE LEFT.
Over music in transition light, CORNELIUS and PATRICIA enter from opposite sides of the stage,, looking all cool and shit, dancing, and each sets up behind their respective table and chair.
A thick streak of bitterness and rage permeate their characters.
They are each making a commercial for their new solo ventures as divorce lawyers (probably for public access)
** Note: Dialogue in italics is direct address to the audience**
**Another Note: Make it fast. Desperate TV ad-pitch fast**
CORNELIUS
Hi, have you recently been forced out of a long-lasting committed relationship? Feeling aimless, feeling ruined? Feeling like your life has dropped out from beneath you? Well, worry no longer. Hi, I’m Cornelius Burl, Esq. and I want to represent you. Hi.
PATRICIA
Men, amirite? Can’t live with them, CAN live without them. I know what it’s like. You work and work and give and give and all you get is a load of dirty laundry. And now you’ve found yourself alone for the first time in decades without the safety net of a loving spouse. Don’t let him win! Call me, Patricia Burl, Esq. and protect what’s yours.
CORNELIUS
I’ve been an award-nominated divorce lawyer for the past seventeen months. My track record speaks for itself. I will get you your visitation rights. I will get you your beloved car, your beloved house, your beloved sex pillow. I can get those for you!
PATRICIA
I aim low and go for the jugular. Did he cheat? Did he lie? Did he steal? Give me a call, Patricia Burl, and we will grind that scumfucker into a fine powder and snort him up. For a nominal fee. If you want.
CORNELIUS
You may ask, “what about the rates, Cornelius? I see those bus stop bench ads all over town, this can’t be cheap.” And the answer is, yes, true, I am severely overpriced. But what’s money really, when you actually think about it?
PATRICIA
You may ask, “but what about your husband, Patricia? You’re both on those bus stop bench ads.” Well, unfortunately my husband and I have gone our separate ways, and before you ask, yes, we are representing ourselves. But we want your business, too!
CORNELIUS
I want your business! Give it to me! I have a degree!
PATRICIA
I have a degree, as well. In fact, I have three more degrees than my ex. Call Patricia, four degrees and sex organs that actually work.
CORNELIUS
(long beat, stares at Patricia)
Sex organs are a finnicky lot, friends. Sometimes they don’t work when the sex partner continues to write emails throughout the beautiful act of bi-monthly lovemaking.
PATRICIA
Friends, if your sex organ is incapable of working properly unless a sex pillow is in play, then, yes, I’m sorry, it’s broken. Call me, I’ll get you back in working order.
CORNELIUS
OBJECTION!
PATRICIA
Overruled!
CORNELIUS
Okay okay! If you want a massive settlement, call me. If you want a dirty dirty prostitute, call my ex-wife Patricia–
PATRICIA
Stop! Stop doing that! We agreed we wouldn’t bring up each / other’s names!
CORNELIUS
How exactly do you intend to get your clients “back in working order”, huh?
PATRICIA
Oh, they know what I mean.
CORNELIUS
No, Patricia. No, they most certainly do not. It sounds to me like you’re padding your client pool by offering sex organ consultation.
PATRICIA
That’s ridiculous.
CORNELIUS
You’re ridiculous!
This is why you can trust me, folks. Not only am I a divorce lawyer, but I am currently going through a divorce myself. I’m also a client. See, we’re the same now!
PATRICIA
I’ve had dozens of satisfied clients–
CORNELIUS
Yeah, I bet you have…
PATRICIA
CORNELIUS!
CORNELIUS
Sorry.
PATRICIA
Gonna take that again — ahem — I’ve had hundreds of satisfied clients, but don’t take my… uh … line. Line?
CORNELIUS
Oh no, that ship has sailed. You’re on your own. All those perks, all those years. Gone.
PATRICIA
Psht! Like what? Sleepfighting?
CORNELIUS
It’s a recognized disorder, Patricia!
PATRICIA
Say that to my Mom with a concussion!
CORNELIUS
I will take care of you when no one else will. I’ll be more than just an attorney. I’ll be a friend, a warm blanket, a cool breeze. I would never try to KILL YOUR FUCKING DOG!
PATRICIA
For the record, I did not try to kill his dog. His dog is fine, now. No harm no foul.
CORNELIUS
I went to Wisconsin for my Mom’s funeral and when I got back, Mr. President was in a chocolate coma in the bathtub!
PATRICIA
I got tired of him throwing up all over the carpet!
CORNELIUS
FUCK!
PATRICIA
With me, Patricia Burl, Esq, you will get your fair share and then some, especially if that bastard cheated on you. No prenup, no problem.
(puts on a hat and glasses)
I walked in on my husband smoking meth through some hooker’s asscrack and Patricia got me over a hundred thousand dollars in alimony.
CORNELIUS
Doing your own testimonials, Patricia? Pathetic.
PATRICIA
I’m not playing a character. It’s me, Patricia Burl, Esq. saying I got myself a hundred grand after walking in on my husband smoking meth from some hooker’s asscrack.
CORNELIUS
You said you’d never bring that up!
PATRICIA
You said you were going to Walgreens!
CORNELIUS
Walgreens was closed! And, please, don’t call Genevive a hooker. She’s your sister and she has a terrifying drug problem.
Here’s a list of my specialties, folks:
(he points at the air, highlighting an invisible list)
Custody, Asset Distribution, Mediation, Anullment–
PATRICIA
You look like an asshole.
CORNELIUS
Genevive’s gonna put titles where I’m pointing in post-production. It’s a cool thing. She’s taking an editing class.
PATRICIA
I want titles.
CORNELIUS
Well, they’re mine, now. That was part of the settlement, Patricia. I get all expensive titles.
PATRICIA
And I get a hundred thou.
CORNELIUS
Over my dead body.
Patricia chases Cornelius murderously. They run offstage, CRASHING is heard.
They run back on. Cornelius is warding off her attacks with his sex pillow.
CORNELIUS
Back off! Stay away!
PATRICIA
GOD I HATE THAT FUCKING SEX PILLOW!
CORNELIUS
YOU LOVE IT!
They fall onto it and wrestle for a moment before MAKING OUT angrily.
PATRICIA
God you fucking suck!
CORNELIUS
Yeah I do!
PATRICIA
Remember when we would dance the night away?
CORNELIUS
I fucking hated it.
They dance romantically, even sexily, for a moment.
CORNELIUS
Wait…
PATRICIA
What?
CORNELIUS
Do you have any meth?
PATRICIA
(long intense beat where she may blow up and kill him)
Yeah, I think so.
She gets into her purse and finds some meth.
They smoke it.
Lights out.
The end.
Art and Music in Our Souls 