CAST OF CHARACTERS:

BLAIR – F – Bartender

XANDER – M – Bar Patron

SETTING:

A bar

Lights up on BLAIR behind a small bar. She wears a nametag. She wipes down the bar. She grows frustrated. She’s alone.

BLAIR

I said no, Henry.

(beat)

God, you’re such a dick!

(beat)

I can say that if I want, I can say whatever the hell I want.

(beat)

No, you’re crazy!

She takes a deep breath and goes back to wiping.

XANDER stumbles up to the bar, clearly drunk and despondent.

XANDER

Miskey.

Blair stares confused for a moment then grabs a whiskey, pours it.

BLAIR

There you go, one miskey.

You okay, friend?

XANDER

I’m not your friend, chump! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean – uhh – yeah, sorry. I’m very sawry. I’m fine, super dandy.

BLAIR

Haven’t seen you around these parts. What brings you into the Saddle?

XANDER

I fell off the wagon.

BLAIR

Ah. Relapse? I know that game.

XANDER

No, I fell off a fucking wagon.

BLAIR

Oh. Like a radio flyer?

XANDER

“Like a radio flyer?” Yes, it was exactly like a radio flyer. I fell off it.

This place sucks. Aren’t there any tables? Other than this table? Aren’t there any other goddamn tables?

BLAIR

Where do you think you are?

XANDER

A bar called the Saddle?

BLAIR

Heh. That’s cute.

XANDER

NO YOU’RE CUTE! GAWD! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to – you know, snap like that. It’s – it’s been, like, a fucking day. A bad fucking day.

BLAIR

I know, right? I mean, when will the voices stop?

XANDER

Huh?

BLAIR

We’re having fun, don’t worry about it.

XANDER

So, I wake up, like any other day.

BLAIR

(long anticipatory beat)

I’m sorry, was there something else?

XANDER

What’s with these questions, Blair?! If in fact that IS your real name. Look, I’m sorry, I’m just projecting. It’s not your fault.

BLAIR

Rough days are a bitch, right?

XANDER

Who are you calling a bitch?!

BLAIR

The day! I was calling the day a bitch! Look, if you keep snapping at me, I’m gonna stand over there.

XANDER

(beat)

So I wake up, right. It sucked. Then my shoes weren’t in the closet, they were downstairs. I thought the orange juice had run out, but there was an extra carton of orange juice, but it had fucking pulp. Then on the way to work…

BLAIR

Car trouble?

XANDER

Will you let me finish?!

Blair goes and stands a few feet away, defiant.

BLAIR

What did I say?

They remain in charged silence for a beat.

BLAIR

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

XANDER

I didn’t say anything.

BLAIR

Right. Lol. Must have been the wind.

XANDER

What do you think the wind said? You seemed pretty mad at the wind.

BLAIR

It doesn’t matter. You don’t… think I’m a bartending manatee, do you?

XANDER

I don’t think so, but I don’t know you that well.

BLAIR

See, told you.

XANDER

Told me what?

BLAIR

And you don’t want to, like, kidnap and murder me and inhale my essence, do you?

XANDER

I promise I have never done that before.

BLAIR

I knew it. You have one of those faces.

XANDER

You’re a little crazy, aren’t ya?

BLAIR

NO YOU’RE CRAZY! Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you. I’ve been … on edge, lately.

XANDER

It’s okay, I am crazy.

BLAIR

Do you really mean that?

XANDER

Pretty sure, but we can never be too positive about these things, you know. Being crazy and all.

BLAIR

Oh, totally. So, what kind of crazy are you?

XANDER

Okay, we’ll both say it on the count of 4.

One, two, three, four—

(simultaneous)

I’m a toxic misanthrope.

BLAIR

(simultaneous)

There’s a mean little man who whispers horrible things in my ear and tells me to do things but I don’t think I’ll ever do the things he says.

XANDER

Whoa.

BLAIR

Did I lose you?

XANDER

No, I just noticed how beautiful your eyes are.

Tell me more about this mean little man in your ear.

BLAIR

Well, his name is Henry. He used to work for Air BnB but he got laid-off.

XANDER

You’re kidding me. I work for Air BnB! I photoshop the black mold out of the pictures! Henry and I have so much in common!

BLAIR

I really think you’d love him.

XANDER

Blair, I already do.

BLAIR

Do you really think I’m cute?

XANDER

OF COURSE I DO, GAWD! I’m sorry, I don’t know why… it came out like that. That was weird.

BLAIR

(flirtatious)

Do you want me to stand over there again?

XANDER

I really don’t.

They hold hands.

XANDER

This isn’t a bar called the Saddle, is it?

BLAIR

Nope.

XANDER

What is it, then?

BLAIR

A metaphor.

XANDER

That doesn’t make sense.

BLAIR

YOU DON’T MAKE SENSE!

XANDER

God I fucking love you.

BLAIR

Kiss me, you toxic manatee.

They kiss like crazy people.

The sax solo from Vulfpeck’s “Outro” fades in.

THE END.

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