Characters:

Ellie Von Tanz, burlesque dancer in early 1900’s New York

Eddie Apple, her manager and husband

Setting: Ellie and Eddie’s Lower East Side apartment, July, 1909. The piece should be stylistically heightened with a pulp/noir quality.

We hear an offstage argument

ELLIE

Entering

Fine! Next time I’ll remember to put on a goddamn nun’s habit as I’m getting arrested!

EDDIE

I’m just saying it’s not good for business, Ellie, that’s all, come on-

ELLIE

Oh, you mean it’s not good for your precious bottom line, when it’s my precious ASS sitting in that precinct. For all the money I’ve made/you Ed –

EDDIE

Ellie, Eleanor, my dear, my beautiful, let’s not argue about money –

ELLIE

Stop doing that, Eddie.

EDDIE

Doing what? I’m/just –

ELLIE

Telling me what this argument’s about. Telling me how I’m supposed to conduct myself. As a business woman. As a performer. As an artist. Of course it’s not about the goddamn money.

EDDIE

Sotto voce

Everything’s about money.

ELLIE

Well which way do you want it Eddie?! Do you want me to take off my garters for strange men so we can afford this shithole and a bottle of champagne every now and then, or do you want me cloistered at home, huh?

EDDIE

El, how about we go over the protocol?

ELLIE

Oh, you think I didn’t follow the protocol?

EDDIE

Let’s – let’s just review, I don’t think this will be the last time.

ELLIE

Fine.

EDDIE

So.

ELLIE

Smirking

So.

EDDIE

You gave them the biblical line, did you not?

ELLIE

I did.

EDDIE

You told them it was Salome’s dance for Herod, did you not?

ELLIE

I did.

EDDIE

You showed them our performance permits??

ELLIE

I did.

EDDIE

So how the hell did I wind up bailing you out of the vice department tonight, to the tune of two thousand dollars??

ELLIE

I guess the cops were all a little light in the loafers?

EDDIE

This is no fucking joke, El! Indecent Exposure charges?? Business ain’t what it used to be you know, we can’t afford this shit anymore.

ELLIE

Yeah, you’re telling me. Ten years ago my charms woulda worked on those flatfoots.

EDDIE

What do you mean, your “charms?” “Charms” are not part of the protocol, El.

ELLIE

What’s the big deal? I told them it was very religious, very biblical, I was performing the role of Salome dancing for Herod, would they like to see the iconic moment themselves? Oh, yeah, they said, those asshole coppers nodded their heads real nice, so I lift up my skirt and start doing the number for them – and for a whole second I think they are enjoying what they see, carried away by my beauty and artistry and the moment, but then those fuckers start laughing at me. Call me an old tart and throw me in the vice tank. I tell you, ten years ago they would have been eating out of the palm of my hand.

EDDIE

That is not what we agreed on! Jesus Ellie!

ELLIE

What??

EDDIE

You’re supposed to play the artiste, make them believe it’s all in the name of high art and culture. Like Shakespeare. Or Wagner. Not pick up your skirt and give the cops a peep show!

ELLIE

You think I’m not an artist.

EDDIE

That’s not what I said.

ELLIE

You think I’m no better than a floozie! Just dropping my knickers for anyone who will shove an ace down them!

EDDIE

Come on, Ellie, calm down now.

ELLIE

Packing her things

Well, I’m going to Jeanie’s tonight. I can’t spend the night with a philistine who doesn’t understand my art. You’re no better than those meathead police officers.

EDDIE

Acquiescing

Alright. I’ll see you at call tomorrow then, 6pm sharp. We have to go over the feather number.

ELLIE

No you will not.

EDDIE

Excuse me?

ELLIE

You will not see me at call, tomorrow, or any other night. I can’t trust you anymore, Edgar.

EDDIE

Whatt’re you talking about? Didn’t I just come bail you out? Haven’t I gotten your ass – your admittedly perfect ass – into some of the best venues in New York City? Who else can you trust, hon, I’m all you got.

ELLIE

Oh, I was alright before you, Eddie. I was doing just fine. In fact, I probably woulda been a regular actress by now, a broadway star even, the way my career was going before you came along.

EDDIE

You wouldn’t be nowhere or nobody and you know it –

ELLIE

Fuck you! Eddie! Fuck you. I’m going to Jeanie’s and I’m going to start over without you. I’ve had it –

She is going towards the door

EDDIE

Come on, Ellie –

He tries to block her exit

ELLIE

Do NOT get in my way, Eddie, I mean it –

EDDIE

Don’t leave me –

They struggle a bit, not violently, as he tries to convince her.

Ellie, Eleanor, my beautiful, you know you are my whole world? When I first saw you as Helen of Troy, all those male dancers falling at your feet…

ELLIE

This won’t make me stay, Ed –

EDDIE

He attempts (does he succeed?) to touch her

That beautiful face that launched a thousand ships –

ELLIE

I’m not, I won’t, no more Eddie, this is over –

EDDIE

What can I do Eleanor, I need you –

ELLIE

You need me?? You need me to drop my attire night after night for a bunch of drunk sailors so you can keep up your “lifestyle.”

EDDIE

I only ever wanted to support you as a performer, the most beautiful showgirl in New York. It’s all been for you. You know I don’t care about any kind of “lifestyle,” we can go straight, get jobs as a school teacher or a garbage man, I don’t give a fuck Ellie, just don’t leave me tonight, I need you –

ELLIE

What are you gonna do to prove it?

EDDIE

Anything, Ellie, what, what can I do?

ELLIE

Thinking

Dance for me.

EDDIE

…?

ELLIE

The dance of Salome. The dance of Helen. The dance of a woman so desperate for any scrap of respect in this world. The dance of a man who will never taste this pussy again unless he grovels and proves himself worthy.

EDDIE

Is that what you want?

ELLIE

Dance.

Eddie does. He starts out strange and uncomfortable, but it evolves into something vulnerable, tender, and sensual. Ellie is impressed.

Eddie finishes, maybe on the ground, panting for approval.

ELLIE

Pulling him up

Come on then.

Eddie clings to her.

Herod approves.

She leads him offstage.

End of play.

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