CAST OF CHARACTERS:

Pishwaa – a totally fake psychic

Tiffany Emily – a totally drunk socialite

Donna – a less-drunk socialite

SETTING:

A bullshit psychic storefront. Table and two chairs. Ornate, flowy bright-colored crap drapes and hangs everywhere.

Lights up on PISHWAA, a psychic. They gaze into a small mirror they hold before them.

PISHWAA

You are not the keeper of my flame. I am strong. I am vital. Why don’t you just go and die, Mother.

The BUZZER.

Pishwaa quickly tidies up, sits down and drops into an extreme psychic characterization.

PISHWAA

Pishwaa grants entry.

The door moves, but it’s locked. More KNOCKING.

PISHWAA

Oh right…

Pishwaa goes to the door and opens it.

PISHWAA

Hold on a moment. Just…yes…

They close the door, and sit back down.

PISHWAA

Pishwaa grants entry.

TIFFANY EMILY barges through the door. Fancy jacket, killer heels, big- ass designer bag, and a ridiculous smartphone. She’s way drunk.

PISHWAA

Welcome, young soul. I am Pishwaa. And your name is…?

TIFFANY EMILY

Uh, yeah. Okay. So, my name is Tiffany Em / ily

PISHWAA

(catching up)

TIFFANY EMILY! Yes, I knew that. I knew it before you said it. Yes, Tiffany Emily.

TIFFANY EMILY

Holy shit, you’re straight legit. Are you legit, tho? Cause I got a bombfucking bombshell and I need a true mystic arts person to do it, to like fuck the bomb. And I need to do it fast. Are you my fasty bombfucker, Parka?

PISHWAA

It is Pishwaa. What is your request? Contact a loved one? Forsee your ultimate fate? Some crackers, maybe? My rate is… quite steep.

TIFFANY EMILY

You see this flurgin’ bag? It’s like a hundred thousand dollars, and I keep my chips in it. I got stacks for days, bish. Watch it rain.

She runs out of bills quickly.

TIFFANY EMILY

Oh shit.

She grabs some change.

TIFFANY EMILY

Hailstorm!

She tosses change at Pishwaa.

PISHWAA

Ouch! That hit Pishwaa!

TIFFANY EMILY

Let’s see if you can put your mouth where your mouth is, motherfucker. Show me something amazing and I will task you with my super secret thing.

PISHWAA

Very well. Sit, please.

(she does, with considerable effort)

Touch Pishwaa’s hand. Now, think of a number between one and three.

TIFFANY EMILY

(thinks for a long time)

Okay.

PISHWAA

Is the number two?

TIFFANY EMILY

(freaking out)

Oh my God! Oh my God you just blew my shit! How did you know that? You know what, don’t tell me. I fucking love you.

PISHWAA

Yes. Now, you mentioned a super secret…

TIFFANY EMILY

Were you followed here? This job is sensitive, like pee-hole sensitive. I don’t know if I should tell you. It’s juicy, tho. Once you pull this jizzy there ain’t no turning back. You’ll probably say no. Fucking coward. Okay, I trust you. I need you to murder someone with voodoo.

PISHWAA

Excuse me? Young soul, I am but a simple psychic and inter-dimensional healer. Violence makes me literally vomit—

TIFFANY EMILY

I will pay you seven million dollars. I’m so fucking serious. Look me up. Tiffany Emily Haggerty. The New York Post voted me the Worst Child of a Billionaire Under 30.

PISHWAA

Very well. Who would you like me to … perish for you?

TIFFANY EMILY

Fucking Donna.

PISHWAA

Donna? I do not know this Donna.

TIFFANY EMILY

Oh right, duh. Donna is my best frenemy and she lives across the moat from my Dad’s place and she, like, lets her dogs shit all over and she builds like three story saunas and always likes microwaves fish or something and it wafts over and it’s like GLAH, right? Anyway, she started like flirting with my BF Conner and Delvonicca saw it, but she said it felt like innocent and stuff right. But then OTHER Delvonnica said skinny Delvonnica is like addicted to mad opiates and tells lies and sees things but can’t like remember them, right? So I go visit Conner at the climbing gym to say like wassup you know, and BTdubs, Lorraine was there. You remember Lorraine, right? Ugh. Anyhoo, I ask him about Donna and he was all like evasive and shitty so I followed him to his car and HOLY FUCKNARDS I see Donna’s panties in the backseat. I know they’re hers because I BOUGHT THEM FOR HER for Purim last year. So I punch the fuck out of Connor and run across the freeway to this bar, where I drink Appletinis nonstop for like nine hours. So I call her right and she says she doesn’t wanna talk about it, so I tell her she sucks and her husband is like cheating on her all the time and her hair is looks like wet cotton candy and she told me to go fucking die. So, I got this idea. So, you need to do it.

PISHWAA

Of course. Let me — uhh — just find my — doll, while you get the money. I believe we settled on seven million, yes?

Pishwaa fashions a doll out of brown packing paper or something random and makes a person-kind of. Tiffany Emily writes a check.

PISHWAA

How would you like me to start?

TIFFANY EMILY

Break that snatch!

PISHWAA

(gags)

I don’t know if I can do this.

The BUZZER.

TIFFANY EMILY

Fuck, cops!

Tiffany Emily runs off the opposite way she entered, makes a lot of noise.

PISHWAA

That’s a closet.

The BUZZER.

PISHWAA

Pishwaa grants you safe passage.

DONNA enters, just as over-the-top, if not more so, than Tiffany Emily.

PISHWAA

Greetings, I am Pishwaa, please tell me—

DONNA

Where is she? Where is that perky crotchwaffle? I know she’s here. I have an App on my phone.

PISHWAA

I see. Is your name… Donna?

DONNA

(shocked)

How did you know that?

PISHWAA

I am Pishwaa. You seem tense. Perhaps you should sit and tell me your woes — oh wait — wait — I’m sensing names…

DONNA

(sits excitedly)

Holy shit, is this really happening?

PISHWAA

I’m seeing … a Connor … and … two Delvonnicas…

DONNA

WHA — WHAA — HOW ARE YOU — OMG! HOW THE FUCK. HOW THE FUCK, FOR REALS. I SERIOUSLY CAN’T EVEN!

PISHWAA

What is it you want, Na of the Don?

DONNA

(starts crying)

I want to send a message.

PISHWAA

Pishwaa is listening. Is this person departed?

DONNA

Yes, she’s dead to me.

PISHWAA

Very well. Is this person’s name Tiffany Emily?

DONNA

(cries harder)

You, friend, are a miracle. A living miracle.

She falls to the floor and holds Pishwaa’s leg, crying.

PISHWAA

Yes, worship Pishwaa.

DONNA

(doing it)

What kind of name is FishPaw, anyway?

PISHWAA

Pishwaa. It came to me in a Scrabble game that I lost.

TIFFANY EMILY re-enters.

TIFFANY EMILY

Donna!

DONNA

Oh! I hear her voice! It’s her!

TIFFANY EMILY

What the fuck!

DONNA

Tiffany Emily, can you hear me?! Tiffany Emily, it’s me, Donna!

PISHWAA

She wants to say something … (motions for TE to talk) … something profound, probably.

TIFFANY EMILY

I got lost in your closet.

PISHWAA

It’s just a closet.

DONNA

Tiffany Emily? Could you ever forgive me for lending Connor my panties after he had an accident in his? I didn’t realize how gross he was, and I know they were a gift from you, like the best gift ever, but they were all I had on me. So I gave them to him so he could go back to work at the climbing gym and THEN Fat Delvonnica was all like “you’re such a hoebag” and I was like back off, asshole, I was helping out the gross boyfriend of my best friend in his time of gross need, because I think about other people than myself, ya know — like I’m a really good person, and no one seems to realize that. Anyhoo, I hope you can forgive me. Connor is so gross.

TIFFANY EMILY

(cries)

He is gross.

DONNA

(seeing Tiffany Emily for the first time)

Tiffany Emily! You came back!

TIFFANY EMILY

(they hug)

I’ve been here the whole time.

DONNA

Yes. Thanks to this wonderful human miracle. How can I ever forgive you, Partlaw, for reuniting me with my dead friend?

PISHWAA

What can I say? It’s what Pishwaa does.

DONNA

This calls for appletinis!

TIFFANY EMILY

I love appletinis! Just let me grab my doll.

She grabs the makeshift voodoo doll.

PISHWAA

I — believe there is still the matter of payment? Pishwaa leads a very luxurious lifestyle to distract from Pishwaa’s overwhelming talents.

TIFFANY EMILY

(long beat with Donna)

Meh—

She crushes the doll. Pishwaa falls down dead.

DONNA

You’re such a dick.

TIFFANY EMILY

That was almost you, Donna.

DONNA

I like how we’re like fugitives, now.

TIFFANY EMILY

It’s cool, they’re a psychic, so they’ll, like, be reborn as a super cool deer or something, right?

DONNA

Ugh, I wish I was a deer.

TIFFANY EMILY

I know, right?

They exit. THE END.

Advertisement