Backstage at “Boylesque El Cerrito.” HEREN paces back and forth in a hefty construction worker costume. He’s wearing a few too many layers and starts sweating. He takes off a red handkerchief and wipes his face with it.

RUSS, Manager of “Boylesque El Cerrito”, enters.

RUSS

What are you doing? Put that back on! The boys love a good scarf bit.

HEREN

I’m sweating bullets, what do you want from me?!

RUSS

Look, you said you wanted a chance didn’t you?

HEREN

Yes…

RUSS

And what did I do?

HEREN

You gave me a…

RUSS (Overlapping)

I gave you a chance! Now get your sweet cheeks over there, you’re on deck.

HEREN

I don’t think I can do it…

RUSS

Oh no, don’t you chicken out on me now. This isn’t your grandma’s basement. This is “Boylesque El Cerrito,” and we got people waiting on you.

SCOTT (offstage)

(A lone pathetic) Woo…!

HEREN

I’m not ready. I need more time.

RUSS

Well time ain’t your friend in this business. Come here, sit down. (They Sit) I was just like you. Young, wide-eyed, waiting for my chance to shine. Before I knew it, I was 50 with weak knees and a collapsed spine, and no respectable show would take me. Now’s your chance, so stand up and show me what you got.

HEREN dances awkwardly and throws his handkerchief on the floor. He tries to twerk but RUSS stops him.

RUSS

Stop doing that! Look – you think it’s all about the moves. It’s not. It’s about the tease. The chase. You gotta keep them wanting more. Not less. You ever see Gypsy? Hold on a second.

 

RUSS finds a pair of latex gloves.

RUSS

Put these on.

HEREN

Are you serious? They don’t even go with my outfit-

RUSS

Trust me.

HEREN puts on the gloves.

HEREN

Now what?

RUSS

Take them off.

HEREN

You just told me to put them on!

RUSS

I know! Just… take them off slowly. Like you’re afraid they might peel off your skin if you take them off too fast.

HEREN

That’s disgusting.

RUSS

Just do it.

HEREN takes off the gloves slowly, looking at RUSS for approval.

 

RUSS

Not bad, just look at me like you’re shocked that no skin is coming off.

HEREN’S manipulates his face to look shocked and slightly in pain.

 

SCOTT (offstage)

(Chanting) BOYLESQUE! BOYLESQUE! BOYLESQUE!

RUSS

Alright kiddo, now’s your shot. Don’t screw it up.

HEREN and RUSS exit and SCOTT appears chanting “BOYLESQUE!”. SCOTT encourages the audience to chant along with him.

RUSS enters. SCOTT takes a seat amongst the audience.

RUSS

To the fine people of El Cerrito, making his first ever Boylesque debut I present: BOB THE BUILDER!!!

HEREN enters petrified with one latex glove on.

HEREN cues the music. The Village People YMCA comes on.

HEREN takes off his latex glove following RUSS’ instructions. From the side of the stage RUSS gives HEREN a thumbs up. HEREN smiles and gets more indulgent in his performance. Once his glove is removed. He starts taking off layers of jackets in the same playful manner. After several layers of jacket removal, HEREN is left in a tank top and jeans and encourages the audience to join him in arming the “YMCA” dance.

HEREN signals RUSS to join him. RUSS timidly comes on stage, then (to HEREN’S surprise) breaks out some spectacular 80’s dance moves.

 

The two join hand in hand and bow. SCOTT gives them a standing ovation.

 

SCOTT

(Sings) BOB THE BUILDER! CAN WE FIX IT? BOB THE BUILDER! YES WE CAN!

SCOTT jumps up on stage and hands HEREN & RUSS his business card.

 

SCOTT

The name’s Scott, Scott Malone of the Malone Boylesque Consortium. Look, I think you fellas got something real special on your hands. I mean the audience loves you, (to the audience) you love these fellas don’t you? (Audience cheers) I’m ready to offer you two a six week cruise line deal. All you gotta do is show me the two of you got a little chemistry. Think you can do that?

HEREN & RUSS look at each other. They nod. The two perform 2:50-3:10 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vc0gYbTNctU in perfect unison.

 

The two end is a classic 80s tableau.

 

Blackout.

END OF PLAY