Celia – 30s, Drag King dressed as Elvis

Martha – 50s, Celia’s Mother & Secretly Famous Drag King

Lights up on CELIA, dressed as an Elvis-style Drag King. She’s examining herself in the mirror, striking various iconic Elvis Presley poses.

CELIA

(Muttering to herself)

Thank’ya, Thank’ya very much. Woah there missy. I’ll be needing to see ya out back after the show.

CELIA lowers her sunglasses and winks at herself in the mirror.

 

We hear the door unlock. CELIA panics. She tries to take off her Elvis attire but only makes it halfway through undressing when MARTHA enters.

 

MARTHA screams and drops her purse.

CELIA

Mom! Mom! It’s me!

MARTHA catches her breath and takes a hard look at CELIA.

MARTHA

Celia?

CELIA

Yes, mom.

MARTHA

You look… Different.

CELIA

I didn’t think you would be home. Didn’t you have a bingo game or something?

MARTHA

Just because I’m over 50 doesn’t mean I’m constantly attending bingo games.

CELIA

Well where were you?

MARTHA

(Pause) Mahjong.

CELIA

I’m sorry I scared you. I didn’t want you to see me like this.

MARTHA

Well it’s a little shocking.

CELIA

You just came in so quickly, I didn’t have time-

MARTHA

I can’t believe this, I need to sit down.

CELIA

Do you want some water?

MARTHA

No, I just need a moment to collect myself.

CELIA

I know. It’s not everyday you see your kid dragging it up…

MARTHA

No, no, it’s not the drag thing. It’s how bad you are.

CELIA

Mother?!

MARTHA

What? I’m just being honest.

CELIA

What do you know about drag anyhow?

MARTHA

Well I was a hell of a lot better than you, that’s for sure.

CELIA

(Shocked) What are you talking about?

MARTHA

(Deep breath) Celia, it’s about time you learn something about me. Something I’ve been keeping from you for quite some time.

CELIA

What?

MARTHA

I’m an internationally famous Drag King.

CELIA

(Pause) You’re shitting me right? You’re trying to convince me that YOU are a Drag King.

MARTHA

Was. I’ve been out of the business for a few decades. But trust me. I was the best of the best. M.A.G.A.

CELIA

WAIT, YOU’RE M.A.G.A.?!

MARTHA

Mister Abs Girth and Ass

CELIA

MOTHER!

MARTHA

What?

CELIA

Why didn’t you tell me this?

MARTHA

I didn’t think you were ready.

CELIA

What, to find out my mother was famous for her (pelvic thrust) girth?

MARTHA

Not everyone can handle the Drag King community. You gotta be tough. You gotta be strong.

CELIA

I am strong Mother.

MARTHA

Eh….. (shrugs)

CELIA

Seriously? Watch this.

CELIA lifts the mirror with great effort and lowers it down.

MARTHA

Wow…

CELIA

I know. 30 pounds. At least.

MARTHA

Look, I’m just saying, Drag Kings don’t mess around. You gotta walk the walk. Talk the talk.

CELIA

I know that Mother, why do you think I’m dressed like this?

MARTHA

Well no one’s first time-

CELIA

It’s not my first time. I’ve been doing drag for months.

MARTHA

Oh.. I just assumed-

CELIA

Well you assumed wrong. So why don’t you just go to your room and leave me alone.

A moment of silence.

MARTHA

Let me help you.

CELIA

I don’t need your help.

MARTHA

You do. And I will help you. Just like my mother helped me.

CELIA

WHAT? GRANDMA WAS A DRAG KING?

MARTHA

Oh, you know it. Even bigger than me if you can believe it. But only in the underground scene. She was huge in Berlin.

CELIA

I can’t believe this…

MARTHA

And when I started, I was worse than you. So please, let me help.

CELIA

(Pause) Okay fine.

MARTHA

Your facial hair is off. You got some mascara?

CELIA

Yeah here.

CELIA pulls out mascara.

MARTHA

Now what you have to realize is facial hair isn’t perfect, it’s messy. So you gotta just flick the brush. Like this.

MARTHA gives herself a mascara mustache.

MARTHA

Now you try.

CELIA takes the mascara and gives herself a mascara mustache.

MARTHA

Great. Now bring your sideburns down a little lower. You’re Elvis for god’s sake.

CELIA takes the mascara and brings down her sideburns.

CELIA

I look ridiculous.

MARTHA

It takes time to get the hang of it. Don’t worry. You’ll get it. It’s in your blood.

CELIA

I’m so embarrassed.

MARTHA

Well I’m proud of you.

CELIA

Really?

MARTHA

Yes. I’m proud of you. Come on, let’s take a picture.

CELIA

You’re kidding.

MARTHA

No, come on. Smile.

They take a selfie.

 

MARTHA types something on her phone.

CELIA

What are you doing?

CELIA’S phone beeps.

 

CELIA look at at her phone. She reads the notification.

CELIA

MamaBear69 tagged you in a photo. #MAGA.

MARTHA and CELIA look at each other and smile.

MARTHA & CELIA (In Unison)

Mister Abs Girth and Ass!

They high five.

Blackout.

 

END OF PLAY