Amy – Brunette, mid-20s, dressed as Faith from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Lizzie – Blonde wearing a brunette wig, mid-20s, also dressed as Faith from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

 

Location: An apartment

AMY examines herself in the mirror. She winks at herself.

AMY (in Faith impersonation)

Five by five…

AMY’S phone rings.

AMY (in natural accent)

Hello?… Oh hey babe, I’m almost ready…. Yeah just come up for a minute…. Ok bye.

AMY hangs up.

AMY (in Faith impersonation)

I hope evil takes MasterCard…

LIZZIE knocks on the door. We hear a timer go off.

AMY (in natural accent)

Door’s unlocked. I’ll be right back, gotta move my laundry to the dryer.

AMY exits. LIZZIE enters in identical Faith cosplay with the addition of an obscene brunette wig.

LIZZIE (in Faith impersonation)

Five by five…

LIZZIE examines herself in the mirror. She pulls out a vampire stake and conducts a few smooth gestures with it. She utters strange grunting noises with each move.

AMY (offstage)

You okay in there?

LIZZIE

Just practicing.

AMY (entering)

Practicing what?

LIZZIE and AMY freeze, utterly confused. They look each other up and down in exact synchronization.

AMY

Didn’t see that coming.

LIZZIE

What are you wearing?

AMY

What are you wearing?

LIZZIE

I thought you were going to be Buffy!

AMY

Why would I be Buffy? You’re the blonde, you be Buffy.

LIZZIE (whining)

I don’t wanna be Buffy, everyone’s gonna be Buffy. Please? I spent fifty dollars on this wig.

AMY

What am I supposed to do? Put on my wolf onesie and go as a werewolf?

LIZZIE

That would actually be really cute.

AMY

I know, now that I said it I’m kind of having second thoughts.

LIZZIE

Well, why don’t you try on your wolf onesie and then we can go as Faith and Oz?

AMY

Faith and Oz?? Are you crazy? Oz first appeared in season two’s cultural travesty of an episode “Inca Mummy Girl,” while Faith wasn’t introduced until “Becoming, Part One” in season three. Oz is out of the picture after season four’s “New Moon Rising,” while Faith is in and out of the series all the way through the series finale! They barely share screen time in all seven seasons, let alone interact with each other. People won’t even know we’re together.

LIZZIE

(Playfully) There are other ways to show people we are together.

LIZZIE leans in for a kiss. AMY dodges it.

AMY

I know what you’re trying to do, and it’s not going to work.

LIZZIE

Look, we can’t both be Faith. We don’t want to be those people.

AMY

Great. We agree on something.

LIZZIE

So, we just have to figure out who Faith is.

AMY glares at LIZZIE. Awkward silence.

AMY

How do we do that? Faith-off?

LIZZIE

Yes. Faith-off.

AMY

Okay, best two out of three.

LIZZIE

First: most Faith-iest line with best delivery.

AMY

You’re on. (Gets into character) Thank god we’re hot chicks with superpowers. (Breaks character) Season seven episode twenty-one.

LIZZIE

Well done. But you went too late in the series. Classic Faith is in season three. (Gets into character) God, I could eat a horse. Isn’t it crazy how slayin’ just always makes you hungry and horny?

AMY

Dammit. Fine. Point to you. Next round: Faith-iest nineties dance move.

LIZZIE

Oh, I got this.

LIZZIE pulls off a sweet nineties dance move.

AMY

Cute. Now watch a real Faith go.

AMY pulls off a much better and more iconically Faith dance move.

LIZZIE

Wow… Maybe we should just stay home tonight.

AMY

Nice try. One point each. Final round.

LIZZIE

Which is?

AMY

We fight.

LIZZIE

Excuse me?

AMY

(Putting up her fists) You heard me. Slayer vs Slayer. That’s the only way.

LIZZIE

I’m not going to fight you.

AMY

Then clearly you don’t want it bad enough.

LIZZIE

You’re right. I don’t.

LIZZIE takes off her wig defeated.

AMY

Hey… Come on… It’s no fun if you… Ah shit.

AMY exits.

LIZZIE

Where are you going? Hello? Hellloooo?

AMY enters wearing a brown onesie.

AMY (in Oz impersonation)

I’m – I’m sorry I almost ate you.

LIZZIE hugs AMY.

LIZZIE

D’awww… Season two episode fifteen…

AMY

Faith and Oz… taking the world by storm.

LIZZIE

The showmance no one knew they wanted.

LIZZIE kisses AMY on the cheek.

AMY howls.

Blackout.

End of Play