Amy – Brunette, mid-20s, dressed as Faith from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Lizzie – Blonde wearing a brunette wig, mid-20s, also dressed as Faith from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Location: An apartment
AMY examines herself in the mirror. She winks at herself.
AMY (in Faith impersonation)
Five by five…
AMY’S phone rings.
AMY (in natural accent)
Hello?… Oh hey babe, I’m almost ready…. Yeah just come up for a minute…. Ok bye.
AMY hangs up.
AMY (in Faith impersonation)
I hope evil takes MasterCard…
LIZZIE knocks on the door. We hear a timer go off.
AMY (in natural accent)
Door’s unlocked. I’ll be right back, gotta move my laundry to the dryer.
AMY exits. LIZZIE enters in identical Faith cosplay with the addition of an obscene brunette wig.
LIZZIE (in Faith impersonation)
Five by five…
LIZZIE examines herself in the mirror. She pulls out a vampire stake and conducts a few smooth gestures with it. She utters strange grunting noises with each move.
AMY (offstage)
You okay in there?
LIZZIE
Just practicing.
AMY (entering)
Practicing what?
LIZZIE and AMY freeze, utterly confused. They look each other up and down in exact synchronization.
AMY
Didn’t see that coming.
LIZZIE
What are you wearing?
AMY
What are you wearing?
LIZZIE
I thought you were going to be Buffy!
AMY
Why would I be Buffy? You’re the blonde, you be Buffy.
LIZZIE (whining)
I don’t wanna be Buffy, everyone’s gonna be Buffy. Please? I spent fifty dollars on this wig.
AMY
What am I supposed to do? Put on my wolf onesie and go as a werewolf?
LIZZIE
That would actually be really cute.
AMY
I know, now that I said it I’m kind of having second thoughts.
LIZZIE
Well, why don’t you try on your wolf onesie and then we can go as Faith and Oz?
AMY
Faith and Oz?? Are you crazy? Oz first appeared in season two’s cultural travesty of an episode “Inca Mummy Girl,” while Faith wasn’t introduced until “Becoming, Part One” in season three. Oz is out of the picture after season four’s “New Moon Rising,” while Faith is in and out of the series all the way through the series finale! They barely share screen time in all seven seasons, let alone interact with each other. People won’t even know we’re together.
LIZZIE
(Playfully) There are other ways to show people we are together.
LIZZIE leans in for a kiss. AMY dodges it.
AMY
I know what you’re trying to do, and it’s not going to work.
LIZZIE
Look, we can’t both be Faith. We don’t want to be those people.
AMY
Great. We agree on something.
LIZZIE
So, we just have to figure out who Faith is.
AMY glares at LIZZIE. Awkward silence.
AMY
How do we do that? Faith-off?
LIZZIE
Yes. Faith-off.
AMY
Okay, best two out of three.
LIZZIE
First: most Faith-iest line with best delivery.
AMY
You’re on. (Gets into character) Thank god we’re hot chicks with superpowers. (Breaks character) Season seven episode twenty-one.
LIZZIE
Well done. But you went too late in the series. Classic Faith is in season three. (Gets into character) God, I could eat a horse. Isn’t it crazy how slayin’ just always makes you hungry and horny?
AMY
Dammit. Fine. Point to you. Next round: Faith-iest nineties dance move.
LIZZIE
Oh, I got this.
LIZZIE pulls off a sweet nineties dance move.
AMY
Cute. Now watch a real Faith go.
AMY pulls off a much better and more iconically Faith dance move.
LIZZIE
Wow… Maybe we should just stay home tonight.
AMY
Nice try. One point each. Final round.
LIZZIE
Which is?
AMY
We fight.
LIZZIE
Excuse me?
AMY
(Putting up her fists) You heard me. Slayer vs Slayer. That’s the only way.
LIZZIE
I’m not going to fight you.
AMY
Then clearly you don’t want it bad enough.
LIZZIE
You’re right. I don’t.
LIZZIE takes off her wig defeated.
AMY
Hey… Come on… It’s no fun if you… Ah shit.
AMY exits.
LIZZIE
Where are you going? Hello? Hellloooo?
AMY enters wearing a brown onesie.
AMY (in Oz impersonation)
I’m – I’m sorry I almost ate you.
LIZZIE hugs AMY.
LIZZIE
D’awww… Season two episode fifteen…
AMY
Faith and Oz… taking the world by storm.
LIZZIE
The showmance no one knew they wanted.
LIZZIE kisses AMY on the cheek.
AMY howls.
Blackout.
End of Play
Art and Music in Our Souls 