Fuck Buck Hunter

By Ivan Rene Lopez

This play was written for Shotz: Buck Hunter.  Writers were given three elements that must be present in all of the plays.  They were: (1) a mention of Buck Hunter, (2) one character has to get on his/her knees and (3) the last line must be “and that was the last time I kissed my father on the lips.”

A dive bar at 3am.  BO, MIKE and SALLY are drunk.  Each of them have a beer in front of them.  Twelve forgotten pint glasses are resting on the table.  BO is passed out, his head on the edge of the table.  MIKE and SALLY are passionately making out.  Suddenly SALLY breaks away.

SALLY

(with great passion.)

I’m gonna kill’im!

MIKE stares at her for a second.  BO lets out a single laugh, his body shrugging.  MIKE dives in for seconds.  SALLY breaks away again.

SALLY

I’m gonna kill Buck Hunter!

MIKE

Baby, why are you talking?  I’m boned.

BO

Fuck, I’m drunk.

SALLY

(ridiculously giddy)

Guys, you’re not listening to me.  Buck Hunter deserves to die and I’m gonna do it!  I’m inspired!

MIKE

That’s so hot.

BO sits up.

BO

Wait, you’re kidding right?

SALLY quickly shakes her head no, a big smile on her face.

BO

Mike, I think she’s serious.

MIKE

Dude, me too, she’s got this look in her eye and I just wanna fuck it.

SALLY

I’m drunk with happiness!

BO

Look, Buck Hunter is a vile man.  I’ll give ya that.  If he were to get sneezed on in the subway by two swine-flu Mexicans, I’d be cool.  Hell, I’d be the first one in line to piss on the dude’s grave, but that doesn’t mean I wanna kill him.  That’s just wrong.

SALLY

Oh, but its soooo right.

SALLY grabs her beer and chugs it down with a flourish.  She slams down the glass and lets out a loud Amazonian woman yell.  She is now lost in her own euphoria.

BO

This bitch is crazy!

MIKE

Holy fuck that’s hot!

SALLY

TAD!  Bring me another!

BO

Mike, wake the hell up!  Look at me.  Hey, eyes here.

MIKE looks at BO.  He is a blissfully hypnotized man.

MIKE

(like silk.)

Don’t do that man.  I’m boned and you’re distracting me.  Let me be.

BO

Are you shitting me right now?

TAD, the disinterested bartender, walks in with a beer and sets it on the table in front of SALLY.

BO

Tad, do something, Sally’s gonna kill Buck Hunter.

TAD

Buck Hunter?

BO

Yeah.

TAD

He never tips. (to Sally) You’re gonna tip 20% right?

SALLY

I’m tipping 300%!

TAD

Fuck Buck Hunter.  I’m gonna go finish my joint.

BO

Tad!  She’s gonna kill a man!  In your bar!  Do something.

TAD

Why don’t you do something?

BO has no answer.  TAD walks off, disinterestedly.

BO

What the fuck is wrong with you people!  Is there no sanity left in this entire God-forsaken planet?  Where is the fucking love?!  Shit!  Why did I drink all this beer?!  Mike I’m your friend!  You gotta break out of whatever voodoo spell she’s got you under.  LOOK AT ME!

MIKE does.

BO

I’ve known you since pre-school.  That’s a long fuckin’ time, kay?  You never listen to me.  Two arrests, a she-male and herpes you got cause you didn’t listen to me.  Well, you have to listen to me now!  Sally Hunter is going to be the end of you if you don’t pull yourself together here and stop your Hitchcock blonde before she goes on a rampage!!

MIKE

Stop her?  She’s an angel.  And I don’t listen to you cause you’re a buzzkill.

MIKE gets down on one knee.

MIKE

(to Sally.)

I want you to fuck me till I forget my name.

SALLY

(lovingly holding his face.)

Help me kill ‘im, Mikey and I’ll fuck you till you don’t remember anything!

BO jumps out of his chair.

BO

Woah!  Woah! (too drunk to stand, he sits back down.) Woah.  Mike.  Mike.  Mike.  No.

MIKE curiously studies BO’s face.

BUCK HUNTER comes out of the bathroom.  He is a vile man.

BUCK

Tad, you lazy piece of goat shit, bring me another!  Ah, there’s my tramp of a daughter.  She got her momma’s legs, always open like a 24 hour diner.

SALLY walks over to BUCK.  She kisses him softly on the lips.  MIKE pulls out a gun and shoots BUCK in the back.  SALLY lets BUCK drop gently to the floor.  He is dead.  She walks over to MIKE, jumps into his arms and rewards his chivalry with a passionate kiss.  MIKE begins to carry her off into the bathroom.  SHE stops him, turns to the audience, and gets ready for her 1950’s movie closeup.

SALLY

And that was the last time I kissed my father on the lips.

TAD brings out a drink and lays it on the table in front of Buck’s dead body.  MIKE and SALLY walk off into the bathroom.  BO stands there, speechless.

FIN.

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