THE TINY REPUBLICAN IN YOUR PANTS
By Rebecca J. Ennals

KEN Played by an actress holding a plastic Ken doll. He can be attached to her or just held by her. The actress and the Ken doll should be dressed alike.

YOUNG WOMAN A normal teenaged girl, 16-18.

________________________

A suburban house. The YOUNG WOMAN is sitting on the couch doing her homework. The doorbell rings. She opens the door a crack. KEN is outside.

KEN
Hi, I’m the tiny Republican sent to live in your pants.

YOUNG WOMAN
Oh. I’m not interested.

(Closes the door.)

KEN
Oh, look, a unicorn! All pink and sparkly.

(She ignores him.)

Aaaaah! Justin Bieber!

(She looks up briefly and rolls her eyes.)

YOUNG WOMAN
Lame.

KEN
I brought Haagen-Dazs.

(She comes back to the door.)

YOUNG WOMAN
I like Haagen-Dazs.

KEN
Aha! Is it “that time of the month”?

(He winks)

YOUNG WOMAN
No, I just like Haagen-Dazs. Mmm, dulce de leche. Excuse my manners – won’t you come in?

KEN
Thank you.

(He does. She gestures to the couch.)

YOUNG WOMAN
Please sit down. Now, tell me again – what is this regarding?

KEN
It’s come to our attention that the vast majority of young American women have no idea how their lady-parts actually work. So we in the GOP feel it is our duty to provide some supervision.

YOUNG WOMEN
Oh. I guess I’m actually pretty clear on how everything works.

KEN
Are you sure? Because let’s admit it, it’s pretty murky down there in hootchie-land.

YOUNG WOMAN
Whatever. I used to think that, when I was like fourteen, but then I got a mirror and checked everything out and it’s no big deal.

KEN
Are you sure?

YOUNG WOMAN
Yeah, in fact, I’ve got my biology textbook right here. See? Here’s the diagram of the vulva. Mons pubis, labia minora, labia majora, perineum, clitoris…

KEN
Whatoris? Never heard of it. Whatever hippie mumbo-jumbo they’re teaching you at these California public schools, there’s clearly much you don’t understand. You see, unlike the man-parts, which are so solid and purposeful and just, well, THERE, girlie-bits are all very shady and mysterious and magical.

YOUNG WOMAN
Magical?

KEN
Why yes! Did you know, for example, that if the gaze of say, your middle school gym teacher, strays dangerously close to the crotch of your sweaty nylon gym shorts, your vagina will flap its tiny wings and squeak out “pedophiliarmus” while emitting a jet of pepper spray straight into his bulging eyeballs?

YOUNG WOMAN
That’s not true.

KEN
Gospel. Even better, it’s a proven fact that when young girls in rural Thailand are kidnapped for the slave trade, their vaginas suddenly sprout tiny white teeth like baby sharks and bite off their kidnappers’ fingers!

YOUNG WOMAN
Nuh-uh.

KEN
Fact. It’s already required science curriculum in Texas. And let’s just say that you’re walking down an alley late at night, up to no good of course, out at all hours without an appropriate escort, and a terrifying STRANGER suddenly lurches drunkenly into your path, cackling with maniacal glee! You scream helplessly and try to wrap your scandalously flimsy garments around your soft and bulgy female goodies but it’s too late! He has you up against a dumpster! And his grimy and calloused hands are tugging off your weak and yielding underpants, and he’s unzipping his fly, and you scream and scream but…

YOUNG WOMAN
STOP it! That’s terrible, terrible, terrible!

KEN
No, no, it’s marvelous! Do you know that if he does in fact, manage to ravage your pliable and bouncy flesh with his sturdy member, that every egg in your ovaries will don a tiny suit of armor and pull out an AK-47 machine gun and explode his sperm into tiny shards of useless shrapnel, which will shoot back up his penis and give him a slight cramp the next morning? Did you know that?

YOUNG WOMAN
That is total bullshit. That is not how it works.

KEN
And THAT, dear girl, is why you need me. You just don’t know how to work the controls.

YOUNG WOMAN
Controls?

KEN
Once I have taken up residence in your pants, I’ll find the very special remote control hidden in your sacred womb that only a certified tiny Republican can operate. And then what fun we shall have!

YOUNG WOMAN
Having a small man in a blue suit in my shorts doesn’t sound like fun.

KEN
But just think! Let’s just say you have a date with a nerdy boy you don’t like very much. If his hands stray at all toward your lovely, supple behind while he hugs you awkwardly good-night, I’ll just hit a hidden lever that will cause an electric charge to zap him right in the ‘nads.

YOUNG WOMAN
Well, that does sound kind of useful…

KEN
See? And imagine, any time you have any remotely naughty thoughts and I have to open up my government-issued tiny umbrella, it’s round shiny point will poke you right in the pussy and you’ll remember to behave yourself.

YOUNG WOMAN
Ooo, that sounds kind of exciting.

KEN
In that case, you dirty little slut, we’ll hit the special big red button and close the whole zone off with a big impermeable plastic coating, naturally flesh-toned but totally smooth without any fingerholds whatever. We’ll do the nipples too to be on the safe side. My wife Barbie had it done, it’s very attractive. And when some really nice young man, the kind who loves God and his mama, is trying to get you to like him, and he touches you in ways that you don’t think you like but that are actually good for you, then I’ll just hit that big red button again and all those plastic shields will roll right off and you’ll end up nice and round and preggers with a lovely boo-boo baby. Cause you know, there are “legitimate” concerns and then there’s knowing what’s best for you and for America.

YOUNG WOMAN
Get out. Now. I don’t even get to vote yet, but if I did, I would not vote for someone who thinks my really cool and interesting and totally normal body is some kind of sadistic video game.

KEN
Now don’t be like that, honey, you are my shining star! I wanna be right here in your pants until my dyin’ day, baby.

(She crawls over the back of the couch away from her. He chases her, singing in a creepy kind of way:)

Uum-hum
Girl don’t you realize
How you hypnotize
Make me love you more each time
Yeah, baby
Honey I’ll never leave you lonely
Give my love
To you only
To you only
To you only

(She backs over to a side liquor cabinet and starts opening drawers and throwing things at him while he sings. He dodges everything and keeps coming closer.)

YOUNG WOMAN
Stop it! There is no remote control hidden in my womb! How would you know anything about vaginas anyway? You don’t have one! You don’t even have a penis! I took your pants off when I was five, so I know.

KEN
You little rapist!

(She finally finds a culinary torch and turns it on full blast at KEN.)

KEN
I’m melting…

(He melts into the size of an ice cream spoon.)

YOUNG WOMEN
Huh. Ken brulee.

(She puts the torch down, picks up the pint of Haagen-Dazs, and goes back to her science textbook, using KEN’s melted body as a spoon.)

END