Directed by Jon Wai-keung Lowe

Featuring Leon Goertzen and Allison Hunter Blackwell
Sam comes home to find his girlfriend, Leslie, sitting in front of an opened UPS box. The contents of the box remain inside.
SAM
Hey, sweetie! What you got there?
LESLIE
A gift.
SAM
Early birthday present?
LESLIE
It’s for both of us, actually.
SAM
Oh. Who’s it from?
LESLIE
I think you already know.
SAM
How could I? I don’t even know what it is.
LESLIE
Why don’t you take a look then?
Sam reluctantly moves toward the box and peers inside.
SAM
What the hell is that thing?
LESLIE
Please don’t play dumb, Sam.
SAM
I seriously have no clue!
Leslie snatches a pamphlet from within the box
LESLIE
Then allow me to illuminate you. (reading) “The
Equilibri-Come: an erotic aid designed to satisfy any
gender, for pleasure in equal measure.” Sound
familiar?
SAM
I’m sorry. This wasn’t supposed to happen.
LESLIE
Why would your mother send this to us?
SAM
I didn’t ask her to, I swear.
LESLIE
Something led her to do this! Like when she started teaching me to make secret family recipes – the same recipes I found in a Rachel Ray cookbook. She knew you didn’t like my cooking long before I did. What have you told her about our sex life?
SAM
I may have mentioned that things are little unbalanced in the bedroom.
LESLIE
Really? How so?
SAM
You’re so sexy and you really know how to get me going but then…it’s kind of like that saying about a candle that burns twice as bright.
LESLIE
What’s that supposed to mean?
SAM
You only last half as long as me, Leslie. And when you’re done, that’s usually the end. You roll over and pass out. I take a shower and-
LESLIE
Finish what I started! And here I thought we usually finished together. Have you been faking it?
SAM
Yeah, but not all the time. More often the past couple months.
LESLIE
I had no idea, Sam. I’ve been working longer hours so I guess some nights all I want is a quickie. But I thought we were on the same page. Why did you keep this from me?
SAM
I don’t know. Maybe because I’m a Sagittarius. We tend to hold in our feelings.
LESLIE
Well, I’m a Taurus and we don’t believe in using astrology to excuse our shortcomings.
SAM
Touché.
LESLIE
Once again, your mother has prompted a conversation you should have started on your own. I can handle the
overshare, even though your umbilical cord has no place in our bedroom. What I can’t stand is being the
last to know we have a problem.
SAM
You’re right, Leslie. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I was afraid.
LESLIE
Of me?
SAM
No, I’m afraid of treating you the way my dad treated my mom. That’s the biggest reason behind their
divorce. He berated her, criticized everything she did. I’d hate come anywhere close to doing that to you.
LESLIE
You are not your father, Sam. You’ve never berated me and constructive criticism is healthy. It’s important
to clear the air, otherwise things fester.
SAM
You sound like my mom. She tries to get me to bring up my concerns so we can work through them. I think
that’s why she does this kind of stuff. (gesturing toward the box) She has no sense of boundaries but her heart’s in the right place.
LESLIE
I know she meant well in spite of her creepy interference. But from now on, I need to hear it
straight from you. Can you do that for me?
SAM
Yes, I’ll do whatever it takes. Couples therapy even. I won’t let my fear get hinder our relationship.
LESLIE
I appreciate that. It’s a step in the right direction. I have to admit that you being so upfront about your feelings really turns me on.
SAM
I have a lot of feelings. I’m feeling something right now, in fact.
LESLIE
So am I. And I’m going to do my part to improve our sex life, Sam. I’m even willing to try a new toy,
regardless of where came from. (moving toward the box) I wonder why she chose this one.
SAM
She read some reviews. Apparently it really works for both genders at the same time. I’m not sure how you
operate it though.
LESLIE
Well, we are not about to call her for a demo.(picking up the pamphlet flipping through it) Such amazing
options. “A remote control for individually adjustable pulsation.” It’s like a sleep number fuck.
She pulls a remote out of the box and leaves the devise inside. Sam stands beside her and they scrutinize it together, without taking it out of the cardboard UPS box.
SAM
(tilting his head) I can sort of see where the parts are supposed to fit.
LESLIE
It might take some getting used to but it’s promising. (she presses a button on the remote and a vibration emanates within the box) Very promising.
SAM
Yes, it is but(he grabs the remote and turns off the vibrator) not tonight. This is about you and me; let’s leave my mother and her machine out of it, for the time being.
LESLIE
When it comes to sex, how about we leave your mother out of it for always?
SAM
(pulling her closer) My feelings exactly.
LESLIE
And I certainly don’t need a machine to take you all the way.
She leans in to kiss him as the lights fade.

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