Directed by James Nelson

Featuring Melissa Ortiz and Mariah Castle
LIGHTS UP.
ANYA, early 40’s, faces the audience. She wears a bandana over her hair.
She holds up a burnt cork and marks a big, fat unibrow.
She then draws a very nice mustache.
These things in place, she begins to growl softly, increasing in volume and intensity.
It is a pirate’s growl. And it is actually quite good, maybe even a little formidable.
Enter GLADYS, indeterminately teenaged.
GLADYS
… MOM.
ANYA
Gladys!
GLADYS
MOM. Um. Wow. / Um. Okay. MOM!
ANYA
Sweetie, I didn’t mean – I thought you were out –
GLADYS
You’re – dressed like a pirate.
ANYA
Yes.
GLADYS
Oh jesus is this a kink thing / because if it’s a kink thing –
ANYA
NO! It’s not a kink thing.
GLADYS
Okay but is it some freak Freud penis parrot envy thing? I mean, do you want to be a pirate man with a
penis?
ANYA
Don’t be ridiculous.
GLADYS
Oh jesus, does Dad even know?
ANYA
No. No, he doesn’t know.
GLADYS
OH MY GOD. / OH MY GOD.
ANYA
It’s none of his business, actually. It’s none of your business, either.
GLADYS
My mother dresses like a pirate.
ANYA
I prefer to identify as a pirate who dresses like a mother.
GLADYS
MOM?
ANYA
I’m just kidding. Sort of.
GLADYS
I really don’t have the resources to deal with this – proclivity of yours right now.
ANYA
My proclivity has nothing to do with you.
GLADYS
You’re my mom.
ANYA
I’m a person first. And this is part of me being a person.
GLADYS
And what part of you needs to be a pirate? What part is that, exactly?
ANYA
Look. I don’t expect you to understand this. But. You grow up, you get labels. You’re a wife, you’re a
mom, you’re a corporate person, you’re a whatever. And don’t get me wrong, I like my labels. But
sometimes you need to work even harder to find the you in all those labels. And that me is a pirate.
GLADYS
Isn’t ‘pirate’ a pretty big label?
ANYA
Not when it’s personal.
GLADYS
Okay, so intrinsic pirate, not label pirate, whatever. Is this like, evil Somalia pirate, or Johnny Depp
pirate? Like, “Ahoy, there, matey, avast ye, lubbers – ”
ANYA
STOP IT. You’re making fun. You undermine. Everything. This is something very serious for me,
Gladys. Don’t you dare try to make this cheap. It’s not cheap.
GLADYS
Do you, like, swashbuckle?
ANYA
No; don’t be ridiculous.
GLADYS
Okay, so what do you do, then?
ANYA
You really want to know? Fine. I get home from work. I come up here. I put on my bandana. I put on
my face. I’m a pirate. And when I’m done, I make dinner.
GLADYS
Do you know that I used to cry myself to sleep at night because I thought we were too normal? I was
always all, “I wish my parents were cool and alt!” JESUS, Mom. Seriously?
ANYA
Well, I’m glad to hear I can give you some reprieve from all your angst.
GLADYS
But seriously? I’m just a little upset over all the lost opportunities here. I mean, college essays? Who
cares about building houses in Guatemala when I could write about Long John My Mom?
ANYA
GLADYS.
GLADY
Whatever. Sorry. It’s just a lot to take in, all – this. Seriously, why a pirate? Like, versus a viking or a
Canadian or something?
ANYA
Why a pirate? I’ll tell you, why a pirate. Pirates are their own people. They don’t need to be accountable
to anyone. Light my hair on fire to freak people out? Don’t mind if I do. Rip someone’s heart out and
eat it raw? Sure, sign me up! But the thing to remember in all this is, the way of the pirate is the way of
restraint. It’s about revealing your power just enough to scare the shit out of everyone around you so
that they don’t fuck with you. So – I’m telling you now, don’t fuck with your mother. I’m dead serious.
I’ve always identified as a pirate, I’ve never told anyone, I’m not ashamed of it, and it’s not anyone’s
business but mine.
GLADYS
I think J. Edgar Hoover said the same thing.
ANYA
THAT’S ENOUGH, Gladys. You might find it hard to believe this, but I don’t actually care about
getting your approval. This is MINE. And believe it or not, it has nothing to do with you.
GLADYS
YES IT DOES.
With this, Gladys opens her bag and pulls out: An identical bandana. A burnt cork.
ANYA
Gladys.
GLADYS
YEAH. You try to explain that to your peer group. It’s not exactly something you get to bring up in, you
know, casual conversation. Like, “Oh, my weekend? Well, I spent most of it alone with facial hair while
I practiced my sea shanties!” I’m a genetic freak. This explains everything. Matrilineal piracy. I hear
they can screen for that nowadays.
ANYA
Gladys. Sweetheart. I didn’t know.
GLADYS
Yeah. I know. Neither did I.
ANYA
Are you – okay with / being a
GLADYS
I’m fine.
ANYA
You know, if you want to talk / about it
GLADYS
I’m fine. Dad really doesn’t know?
ANYA
He really doesn’t know. But he’s also got his own proclivities, so.
GLADYS
I don’t…
ANYA
The prom dresses in the attic? They’re not mine.
GLADYS
I have no words for this.
ANYA
That’s the point, G. We don’t need words. We just need us. Imperfect, alternative us.
GLADYS
I am telling NOBODY. Nobody. And we’re never doing this together in the same room at the same
time. And we’re not talking about it EVER again unless I bring it up. Is that a deal.
ANYA
It’s a deal.
GLADYS
Deal. I’m going to go now. And from now on, whenever I am casually coming home, I am going to
knock. I am going to knock on the door of my own house. I don’t need my parents burning any more of
my retinas.
ANYA
I understand. That’s probably a good idea.
GLADYS turns to leave. She pauses. Comes back.
GLADYS
One sec. Question. Does your throat get… scratchy? From the voice? I get scratchy.
ANYA
Oh! God. Yes. All the time, especially at the beginning. The key is to use your diaphragm.
GLADYS
Okay. But it’s all in my throat. How do you support it if it’s in your throat?
ANYA brings GLADYS over and begins to show her how to do a supported growl as the
LIGHTS DIM.

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