A dark stage. The PREACHER slowlyambles out. He makes his way tohis preaching place. And beginshis poem/song.
PREACHER

The ribs and terrors in the whale,

Arched over me a dismal gloom,

While all God’s sun-lit waves rolled by,

And lift me deepening down to doom.
I saw the opening maw of hell,

With endless pains and sorrows there;

Which none but they that feel can tell—

Oh, I was plunging to despair.
In black distress, I called my God,

When I could scarce believe him mine,

He bowed his ear to my complaints—

No more the whale did me confine.
With speed he flew to my relief,

As on a radiant dolphin borne;

Awful, yet bright, as lightning shone

The face of my Deliverer God.
My song for ever shall record

That terrible, that joyful hour;

I give the glory to my God,

His all the mercy and the power.
A radiant Dolphin?
JUSTIN YORIO speaks out from the

1st row of the audience, where hes

its drinking a beer.
YORIO

The fuck is that?

The PREACHER soldiers on,unaffected.

PREACHER

The tale is a lesson to us all, Shipmates. As sinful men, itis a lesson to us all, because it is a story of Jonah’s sin,hard-heartedness, suddenly awakened fears, the swiftpunishment, repentance, prayers, and finally his–
2.
YORIO
Dong.
PREACHER
Deliverance.
Music plays. The WHOREMOTHER enters.She waddles out, her legs pressed tightly together.
WHOREMOTHER
I am the Whoremother.
YORIO
Oh Jesus Christ.
WHOREMOTHER

I am both whore and mother. We all are the whoremother. Mywomb, like all wombs, is simultaneously a place of escape andreturn. All burst from it, and then seek to return. All mybabies are criminals. Prisoners released who, knowing noother way of life, offend again to get back inside the jail’swarm wet walls. I am the whoremother jailhouse.
YORIO
OK.
PREACHER

As with all sinners among men, the sin of Jonah was in his

wilful disobedience of the command of God–never mind now

what that command was, or how conveyed–which he found a hard

command. But all the things that God would have us do are

hard for us to do–remember that–and hence, he oftener

commands us than endeavors to persuade. And if we obey God,we must disobey ourselves; and it is in this disobeying ourselves, wherein the hardness of obeying God consists.
YORIO

God is hard? If I were looking at that whoremother all day,I’d be hard too.

WHOREMOTHER

I command a work camp of my children. Infants all.given them life and now they do my bidding.
I have

YORIO
Oh boy.

WHOREMOTHER(quickly to YORIO)
Just stop it.
(back the the script)You, Child, break those rocks! You, Baby. You there. You

dig that trench. Hammer the board. Drill the hole. Break,Child. Dig, Infant babe. Hammer. Hammer. Drill, Baby, Drill.
PREACHER

There is no water left. There is only beer. The whale has

swallowed all water, and our ship is left to float in sin.In sinful beer.
YORIO
Cheers, Preacher man.
WHOREMOTHER

(to YORIO) Just try to enjoy to the performance.
PREACHER

When the only choice is sin, where do you turn?

The PREACHER opens a beer and starts to drink.
YORIO

This show just got awesome.

The WHOREMOTHER starts to moan.Birth pangs.

YORIO
Whoa.
What?

(And collapses.)

Oh my god.

WHOREMOTHER wails.
YORIO

This is fucked.

WHOREMOTHER

(breaking, to YORIO)You’re embarassing me!
YORIO

You’re embarrassing yourself.
She goes back to moaning. Shecollapses. And starts to givebirth….to a Shake Weight.
WHOREMOTHER

My newest child. I love you most of all. You. You shake.You weigh. You are consumerism. You are the desire to bebetter. To shake your way to improvement. You will not worklike the others, you will shake. Shake, Baby, Shake.
YORIO

Does anyone else think this is bullshit?
Dude.
WHOREMOTHER

I worked really hard on this and you’re ruining it.
Ok, stop it for me.
YORIO

Babe, it can’t be ruined. It’s already a disaster.
WHOREMOTHER
It’s my art!
YORIO

Your art doesn’t make any fucking sense.
WHOREMOTHER

It doesn’t have to make sense. It’s art!!! It’s here to provoke and inspire.
YORIO

You fucking gave birth to a Shake Weight.In front of all these people. A shake weight isn’t art.
WHOREMOTHER
It’s symbolism.

YORIO

A shake weight isn’t symbolism. It’s a shake weight. That’s all it will ever be. So don’t put it in your art. It’s a thing that made funny homoerotic informercials and that’s it.To include it in any other context is a bad bad idea.
WHOREMOTHER

Tony gets it.
YORIO

(To PREACHER)Do you know what you’re doing?
Tony?
PREACHER looks to each, then admits:
PREACHER

I thought I was gonna get my Equity card.
I have no fucking idea.
WHOREMOTHER
What?
Well…
YORIO
Let’s go home babe.

WHOREMOTHER
But–….
Ok.

YORIO
Ok.

WHOREMOTHER
I’m still an artist.

YORIO
I know you are.

PREACHER

So am I not getting my card?

YORIO & WHOREMOTHER leave.

PREACHER

Can I at least have the rest of the beer?
THE END.

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