JO(E)
Directed by Christian Haines
Featuring Rebecca Martin, Melissa Haines and Aeron Macintyre
Emerson Hancock: Male, 50’s.
Samantha Hancock: Female, college freshman. Emerson’s daughter.
Joe: Male, but looks female; college freshman.
Time and setting: Emerson’s living room, early evening on a weekday.
Emerson sits reading the paper. He is conservatively dressed in a business suit. Samantha and Joe enter. They are dressed very provocatively in the mid-1980’s style: tight-fitting spandex, big hair, ostentatious make-up, leg warmers, etc. They each carry a backpacks or duffle bag.
[Note: the comedy of the play is largely visual and relies on the fact that Joe comes across as a sexy and feminine woman.]
SAMANTHA
Daddy-O!
EMERSON
(getting up, hugging her)
Sweetie! Hi! How was your first semester of college?
SAMANTHA
Gelatinous.
EMERSON
What?
SAMANTHA
Wait, that’s not the word. Gnarly. College is gnarly. Hey, is that the newspaper? Are the movies in here?
JOE
Samantha! Focus!
SAMANTHA
Oh, right. Daddy, meet Joe. Joe, meet the male parental unit.
JOE
It’s good to finally meet you, Mr. Hancock. I had no idea you were such an attractive man. And so outwardly calm, given everything.
EMERSON
Uh…. it’s a pleasure to meet you too. I’m confused, sweetie. Weren’t you bringing home your boyfriend Joe?
SAMANTHA
This is my boyfriend Joe.
EMERSON
Excuse me?
SAMANTHA
Isn’t he just the gooiest? Wait, that’s not the word…
EMERSON
Are you feeling ok?
JOE
Her monthly bill came early. She’s fine, she just took a muscle relaxer.
SAMANTHA
Try four…. Where is Tom Cruise?! This newspaper sucks!
(Samantha crumples the paper.)
JOE
I told you, darling, “Legend” doesn’t open till next week. Mr. Hancock, I want you to know I love your daughter very much. I am a man of honor, I have good prospects, and I will protect her from the vagaries of life.
(to Emerson)
SAMANTHA
Do you approve of him, Daddy? I want you to approve of him!
EMERSON
Ok. I get it. Yeah, sure, I approve of him. Whatever. You two get unpacked. I’ll order pizza.
JOE
In time you will grow to like me. You’ll see. I can be a real comfort to you.
EMERSON
That’s great. Your room is first on the left. You’ve had your little joke, young lady. Is there, in fact, an actual boyfriend?
(Joe exits with his bag.)
SAMANTHA
Sure. He’s standing right there… Where is he?!
EMERSON
Look, sweetie, if you’re a lesbian–
SAMANTHA
I know Joe’s a little ambiguous–
EMERSON
Jo is a girl!
(A slow clap begins from offstage.)
SAMANTHA
Shhhh. He’s very sensitive about his appearance.
EMERSON
He’s wearing spandex!
(Joe enters clapping slowly.)
SAMANTHA
Isn’t it sexy? He’s got the whole Van Halen thing going on. Baby, why are you clapping?
JOE
This house has The Clapper! Am I right?
EMERSON
Gotta clap twice.
(Joe claps twice. The lights go off.)
JOE
That is, like, soooo bitchin’!
(Two claps. Lights up. Joe is bent over, ass toward Emerson.)
EMERSON
(pointing to Joe’s ass)
That is Exhibit A!
SAMANTHA
That is not the business end.
(Clap off.)
EMERSON
Have you two… you know…?
SAMANTHA
Every chance we get.
(Clap on.)
EMERSON
With the lights on or off?
SAMANTHA
Off.
(Clap off.)
EMERSON
Will you CUT IT OUT?!
(Clap on. Emerson goes to Joe, bends over, inspects Joe’s crotch at close range.)
JOE
May I help you?
EMERSON
I don’t know what your game is. I don’t know what sorts of prosthetics you’re using in the dark to make my daughter think you’re not who you are. She’s a nice girl, but she’s impressionable and not very bright and I will not have some perverted floozy taking advantage of her!
SAMANTHA
How dare you talk to my boyfriend like that!
JOE
Yeah, man. You need to take a chill pill.
EMERSON
I will not take a chill pill! Go on, Josephine, come clean with my daughter about who you really are.
JOE
How about you come clean about who you really are.
EMERSON
What are you talking about?
JOE
Your clothes, your hair, this house; there’s something dreary and unkempt about it all. You’re just barely holding it together, am I right?
EMERSON
Go to hell!
JOE
There’s nothing to be ashamed of. You’re human. You went through a divorce. Lost your job. You’re about to lose your house. And now your only daughter comes home from college with a dude who looks like a chick. It’s more than anyone should be asked to put up with.
EMERSON
Oh, Jesus. Oh, dear God!
JOE
Hey there. Sit down.
(He sits. Joe starts to rub his shoulders.)
SAMANTHA
It’s okay, Daddy. I don’t care what Joe is: what body parts he has or doesn’t have. Joe is Joe and I love him and that’s all that matters. Hey, is that a mosquito?
(She chases after it, clapping at it.)
JOE
You know, Emerson. Can I call you Emerson? Life presents us with some real doozies sometimes. And when it does, what choice do we have but to face them head-on and let everything else melt away. Am I right? (As Samantha chases after the mosquito, Joe begins caressing Emerson’s scalp, then torso, working his way down.) All our concerns about money, race, religion, class, sex–they all go out the window, don’t they? Because, at the end of the day, what really matters? This. Right here. This is whatmatters. Am I right, Emerson? Am I right?
(Two of Samantha’s mosquito claps come one after another. The lights go out.)
EMERSON
You’re right…. Yes, you’re right…..
END OF PLAY
Art and Music in Our Souls 