Directed by Audrey Rumsby

Featuring: Laura Jane Bailey, William Brown III and Andre Abrahamians

Unisex Unitard and Uniwear Emporium
ROBIN
Welcome to the Unitard and Uniwear Emporium, would you like me to assist you in fitting-
STEVE
Oh, thank you, but I’m Steve. I’m going to be a sales associate. A Unitard-er.
ROBIN
Unitardist.
STEVE
What?
ROBIN
Oh, it’s just you said, “Unitarder.” Mysoginist and outdated term. We prefer “Unitardist.”
STEVE
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be-
ROBIN
It’s fine. I know you didn’t mean it. Unitardist is so much more empowering, you know? “One who fights for
the rights of unitard wearers,” as opposed to “Unitarder,” which implies a “Unitardee.” A passive person inflicted with a unitard.
STEVE
I see.
ROBIN
It’s a mantle, a garment of honor, not a punishment.
STEVE
Absolutely. So, sorry. Proud Unitardist.
ROBIN
Good. Glad we got that cleared up. I’d hate to start off in the wrong foot- hole. (He stares blankly at her.) Joke.
STEVE
Oh!
ROBIN
Because if you put your foot in the wrong stirrup…You’d have it on backwards and-
STEVE
Of course. Ha!
ROBIN
That would just be ridiculous.
(Beat.)
Alright. Let me just assist you in orientation. So the westward doors-
STEVE
The back door?
ROBIN
We really try to avoid the phrase “backdoor.” For obvious reasons.
STEVE
Right.
ROBIN
The west doors lead to the active wear section. Great place to begin for people new to the lifestyle-
(Pat enters)
PAT
Robin, Hello!
ROBIN
Pat, back so soon?
PAT
You know me, can’t get enough.
ROBIN
Meet the new recruit, Steve.
PAT
Nice to meet you. Newest model arrive yet?
ROBIN
Just came in today! I’m dying to see it. (Robin goes to the backroom.)
PAT
You must be excited to get into this field.
STEVE
Oh, yes. Just thrilled. Tell me, um, what do you do with them?
PAT
How do you mean?
STEVE
The unitards. What do you use them for?
(Pat puts his hands on his hips to ponder the question, which opens his trench coat exposing unitard.)
PAT
Oh. Was that a joke? Ha! Good one.
(Robin returns with a box.)
ROBIN
Here we are. The Unisex 2000!
PAT
I can’t believe it’s finally here.
(They open the box and pull out a unitard with 4 legs.)
ROBIN
Wow. I mean, it’s so…
PAT
How do they do it? Every model, better than the last.
STEVE
What the fuck is that? (They glare at him)
ROBIN
Excuse me?
STEVE
It has 4 legs!
PAT
Of course it does.
STEVE
What do you mean, “Of course it does?!” How many legs do you have?
PAT
That’s an awfully personal question.
STEVE
You are insane. This is just crazy.
ROBIN
Now, Pat, I think this is a teachable moment. Steve, what associations do you have with the word Unitard?
STEVE
I don’t know, modern dance, ice skating… Robin and Pat look at each other confused.
ROBIN
Curious.
PAT
Maybe he had some childhood trauma?
STEVE
Me? I’m the weird one?! You don’t think of gymnasts when you hear someone mention a flippin’ ’tard?
ROBIN
How dare you?! Insulting, disrespectful…
PAT
I can’t believe youused that word! Next he’ll say Unitarder!
STEVE
What the Hell is going on?
ROBIN
Okay, Pat, we need to breathe. Remember how it was for you before you were initiated. Let’s include rather than reject him. Impossible as it may seem, he may not have known how distasteful the term (She whispers) Tard
is. Look around you, Steve. What do you see?
STEVE
A couple of psychos, plaid skirts, clowning equipment, a bizarre children’s section and a spandex nightmare.
PAT
You don’t see the theme?
ROBIN
Unicycle? Unicorn? Uniform? Unitard? Universe?! United and Unisex. A gender-bias free utopia- a Unitopia, if you will, of togetherness…
PAT
No more he/she leotards, now we have unitards. We used to have to choose a bathroom. Men’s. Women’s.
ROBIN
Such amazing options!
PAT
But now we have unisex!
STEVE
That just means either sex can use the same toilet!
ROBIN
Silly. That would be bisex.
STEVE
I’m pretty sure bisexual means something else. (They stare at him blankly.) And how do you explain the 4-legged thing?
ROBIN
Don’t you see? You and a loved one no longer have to isolate in your individual unitards.
PAT
Monotards, really.
ROBIN
You can finally unite in unisex universality!
STEVE
And, I’m out. I can’t even- seriously, I don’t need this. Somewhere there is a Starbucks accepting applications.
(Steve leaves.)
ROBIN
I’m not sure he was ready for the responsibility.
PAT
How do the wearers pee?

Blackout

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